Pieces of Ravenhex

My Fellow Americans

2006-12-22T05:41:00.000-08:00

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now to begin the reckoning.Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites wher e those vehicles will be stripped, shredded, and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to elim inate homelessness in America . It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Purina Diet

2006-12-21T07:30:00.000-08:00

I used to have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?)... (here's your sign)...

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before
I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why I ended up in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot.

Solving problems one disaster at a time!

2006-12-21T07:25:00.000-08:00

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately.

Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems.

The result is a win-win-win situation:

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any Questions?

Am I Gay?

2006-12-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION.
HERE ARE (8) NEED TO KNOW FACTS (QUESTIONS)

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, Snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits! Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.

New Immigrants

2006-10-31T07:52:00.000-08:00

Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they either deem politically incorrect (read Below) or which does not agree with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a great letter to the editor that should have been published but with your help it will get published via cyberspace!

New Immigrants
My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to "print" it myself by sending it out on the Internet. Pass it along if you feel so inclined.
Dave LaBonte (signed)

Written in response to a series of letters to the Editor in the Orange County Register:

Dear Editor:

So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a Pledge to uphold the laws and support their new Country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home. They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture.

Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany, Italy, France and Japan. None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan. They were defending the United States of America as one people. When we liberated France, no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans.

And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot
into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are in 2006 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about.

I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign Country flags. And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty, it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United
States just yet.

(signed) Rosemary LaBonte

Thought For The Day

2006-10-31T07:46:00.000-08:00

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American
sentiment and negativity, we should remember England's Prime
Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by
one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he
said:

"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many
want in... And how many want out." Only two defining forces have
ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

The Moral To The Story

2006-10-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist introduces himself. The terrorist kills him.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist asks, "why did you kill my friend?" The terrorist kills him and rapes his wife.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist says, "Stop that!" The terrorist kills him, rapes his daughter and kills his wife.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist says, "I'll pay you $1000 if you stop attacking us."The terrorist agrees to the deal, takes the $1000, and kills him.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist appeals to the United Nations. The United Nations says the pacifist is at fault. The terrorist kills him.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist tries to convince his pacifist friends that the terrorists aren't going to respond to negotiations, but they insist that if he kills the terrorist it'll just make the other terrorists mad. The pacifist reluctantly agrees to try negotiating again.

The terrorist kills him, his entire family, and his neighbor's family. A heated debate now ensues between the pacifists who want to be nice to the terrorists and the pacifists who believe that there can never be peace until the terrorists are all dead. While they are debating, the terrorists kill 15 more pacifists.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist asks himself, "Which is more important: being liked by everyone, or protecting my family?" The terrorist pulls a knife to kill the pacifist, but the pacifist pulls a gun and kills the terrorist first. ......The United Nations condemns the pacifist's use of un-proportional force. Many of his pacifist friends turn against him.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist apologizes for what his friend did to the other terrorist. The terrorist kills him, his entire family and his neighbors, and threatens to destroy the city as soon as they develop a bigger weapon.

A pacifist refuses to meet at the line because every time a pacifist goes to the line the terrorist kills him. A terrorist walks up to the line and fires rockets into the pacifist's town. The United Nations condemns the way the pacifist provoked the terrorist by refusing to come to the line and meet with him.

Generations pass and not much changes until one day when the son of a pacifist decides that the old strategy simply won't work. He walks up to the left side of the line a little early. As the terrorist approaches the right side of the line the son of a pacifist shoots him. Another terrorist approaches to replace the first, and the son of a pacifist shoots him too.

This scene plays out several more times. Then a terrorist approaches carrying a white flag, but he also has weapons. The son of a pacifist shoots him. A terrorist next approaches with a ceasefire resolution from the U.N. The son of a pacifist shoots him also. A large group of terrorists approach and the son of a pacifist shoots them all and drops a nuclear bomb on the city they came from.

The son of a pacifist continues killing the terrorists until the terrorists are all dead. ....There is finally peace on earth and the United Nations takes the credit.

Things you didn't know you didn't know

2006-10-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

LYNN
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Maid in a very nasty motel
2. Tour Guide for a railroad museum
3. Cocktail Waitress
4. Gold Miner

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Bound
2. Pulp Fiction
3. Armageddon
4. Anything by Kevin Smith

C) Four places I have lived
1. San Diego, CA
2. Kenner, LA
3. Ely, Nevada
4. Henderson, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. The Shield
2. Battlestar Galactic
3. Nip/Tuck
4. Boston Legal

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
2. Cancun Mexico
3. Austin TX
4. Washington DC

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. Myspace
2. CNN
3. PostSecret (every Sunday)
4. Eblogger

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Prime Rib
2. Tacos
3. Omelets
4. Spaghetti

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Luxor, Egypt
2. Hawaii
3. St. Petersburg, Russia
4. Jamaica

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Bill
2. Mark
3. Buddy
4. Lisa

BUDDY
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Dishwasher at Korean restaraunt
2. Security Guard at 7up plant
3. Desk Clerk at a Hotel
4. Correctional Officer

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Sleepers
2. Outbreak
3. Batman begins
4. Galaxy quest

C) Four places I have lived
1. Tomah wisconsin
2. LaPuente Ca.
3. Ely, Nevada
4. Henderson, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Battlestar Galactica
2. Eureka
3. Avatar
4. Scrubs

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
2. Cancun Mexico
3. Austin TX
4. Washington DC

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. PvPOnline.com
2. IGN.com
3. VWvortex.com
4. tomshardware.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Pizza
2. Pineapple
3. Pancakes
4. Breakfast Burrito

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. St. Petersburgh Russia
2. Hawaii
3. Fiji
4. Australia

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Mark(sauris)
2. Mikah
3. Thom
4. Lisa

DAVID
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Entemologist Assistant (counted bugs in cotton fields)
2. Bartender
3. Actor in a Musical Company
4. Computer Game Designer

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Ladyhawk
2. Lord of the Rings (all of them)
3. Serenity
4. A Fish Called Wanda

C) Four places I have lived
1. Baltimore, MD
2. Boston, MA
3. Los Angeles, CA
4. Charlotte, NC

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Veronica Mars
2. House
3. Scrubs
4. The X Files

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Jamaica
2. London
3. Colorado
4. Azeroth

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. OriolesHangout.com
2. SavvyDog.com
3. Colts.com
4. WorldofWarcraft.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Pepperoni Pizza
2. Tamales
3. Cheeseburgers
4. Macaroni & Cheese

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Azeroth
2. Roscoe, Texas on the Farm
3. London
4. Salt Lake City, Utah (on any ski slope)

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Lisa
2. Michelle
3. Buddy
4. Danny

LISA
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Banquet Waitress
2. Laboratory Technician
3. Marketing Communications Director
4. Graphic Design Genius

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
2. The Dead Zone
3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
4. Princess Mononoke

C) Four places I have lived
1. Philadelphia, PA
2. Boston, MA
3. San Francisco, CA
4. Las Vegas, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. House
2. Veronica Mars
3. X-Files
4. CSI, Las Vegas

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. India
2. Peru
3. England
4. France

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. www.savvydog.com
2. www.mmorpg.com
3. www.weather.com
4. http://www.cnn.com/

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Anything mexican
2. Anything italian
3. Corn Pops
4. Tastykakes

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Amusement Park
2. Mountain Bike Trail
3. Skiing
4. My Couch

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Michelle
2. Thom
3. Jen
4. Buddy

HOLLY
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Live in nanny
2. Adoption coordinator for a animal shelter
3. Lead technician - sprint
4. Selling sex toys :P

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. House of 10000 corpses
2. Donnie Darko
3. Practical Magic
4. LOTR

C) Four places I have lived
1. Blue Springs MO
2. Kansas City MO
3. Independence MO
4. Does EQ and WOW count for this?

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. 4400
2. LOST
3. Venture Brothers
4. Flavor of Love - I can’t help it

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Las Vegas
2. Mexico
3. Utah
4. Colorado

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. http://www.myspace.com/wickedfunparty
2. http://wow.orderofeternity.com/
3. http://www.athenashn.com/Goddess/GoddessWebPage.asp?code=1208 also known as WWW.HollysToyBox.com
4. Commerce bank - to check my money situation :P

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. SUSHI
2. Rice
3. Udon
4. Crossonts

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Irland
2. In bed watching a movie
3. collecting my winning lotto ticket then paying my bills
4. With everyone having fun and talking :)

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Whoever is bored

JEN
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Deli counter assistant at a supermarket
2. Photo editor for a newspaper
3. Theatre techie all over the place
4. Tutor at a college

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Groundhog Day
2. Notting Hill
3. American Beauty
4. Clue!

C) Four places I have lived
1. Sittingbourne, Kent, UK
2. Cardiff, South Wales, UK
3. Las Vegas, NV
4. That's it :p

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. MI5 (aka Spooks)
2. Doctor Who
3. The West Wing
4. Brilliant! (aka The Fast Show)

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Zell am See, Austria
2. Angers, France
3. Grantown on Spey, Scotland
4. Kecskemet, Hungary

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. eBay
2. BBC News
3. Yahoo Mail
4. MTBReview.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Tikka masala
2. Roast beef w/ roast potatoes & Yorkshire pudding
3. Pretty much any seafood
4. Chocolate

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Mt. Charleston
2. Spain
3. England
4. New Zealand

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Harry
2. Lisa
3. Michelle
4. Carolyn

HARRY
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Burger King, where whoppers that are dropped and put on the grill anyway are officially known as 'Droppers.'
2. Exotic Pet Store
3. Library Assistant
4. Comic Shop Manager

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Princess Bride
2. Super Troopers
3. Dazed and Confused
4. Notting Hill

C) Four places I have lived
1. Union Mississippi
2. Saudi Arabia (or so I'm told.)
3. Las Vegas
4. In a little place inside my head

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Dr. Who (new)
2. Standoff
3. Miami Ink
4. Life on Mars

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. San Diego
2. Florida (or more accurately, Disneyworld)
3. New Jersey (via road trip)
4. Jolly Auld England

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. http://www.penny-arcade.com
2. http://lasvegas.craigslist.org
3. http://www.concours.org
4. http://www.pvponline.com/

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. MEAT
2. CHEESE
3. BREAD
4. SAUCE

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. England
2. Tokyo, but only if I don't have to eat endless noodles
3. In bed ('cause I woke up waaaaaay too early.)
4. In space. But with a suit on, 'cause... you know... not breathing sucks.

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Jenny
2. Thom
3. Michelle
4. Mary

BETH
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Toys R Us
2. The Chippery
3. Resident Assistant/Dorm
4. Telemarketer

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Sense & Sensibility
2. Sex, Lies & Videotape
3. Galaxy Quest
4. V for Vendetta

C) Four places I have lived
1. Dallas
2. Austin
3. Nacogdoches
4. Pflugerville (I mean, who wouldn't want to live in a place called Pflugerville?)

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. BSG
2. Deadwood
3. Ghost Hunters
4. Heroes (I'm determined to like it!)

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Montral
2. Florida
3. New Mexico
4. Manhattan

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. http://www.dotopotamus.blogspot.com
2. http://www.b12partners.net/mt
3. http://www.bigbluemess.com
4. http://www.voodooreborn.com/ (big drama going down there if you're a guild member - remember, don't secretly diddle your middle on a webcam with the hot goth chick - your spouse will never understand)

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. MEAT
2. CHEESE
3. BREAD
4. SAUCE (I like the way Harry thinks - although CHEESE is #1)

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Manhattan
2. Outside at Dad's
3. Ireland
4. Kyoto

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Jenny
2. Thom
3. Michelle
4. Kendra

KENDRA
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Orange Julius
2. Voertman's Bookstore
3. Texas Department of Health
4. Office of Student Financial Aide

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. LotR
2. Pretty in Pink
3. Totoro
4. American Beauty

C) Four places I have lived
1. Denton
2. Austin
3. Chickashaw, OK
4. Ferris, TX

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. BattleStar Galactica
2. Firefly
3. Lost
4. Iron Chef (Japanese version)

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. the Netherlands
2. Vermont
3. Seattle
4. San Francisco

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. wikipedia.com
2. flickr.com (recently addicted)
3. news.bbc.co.uk
4. bigbluemess.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. cheeses, all kinds
2. steak
3. Conan's Pizza
4. anything from A Single Pebble

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. on a cliff near Cornwall
2. at A Single Pebble dining on a feast
3. New Zealand
4. New Orleans (but pre-hurricane as I knew it)

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
Toree! I'm callin' you out!

MACK
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Hippy health-food store clerk (the store was hippy... not me, so much)
2. Legal assistant
3. Navy midshipman / peon
4. Marine pilot

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Elizabeth
2. Gone With The Wind
3. Bridget Jones' Diary
4. LOTR (all)

C) Four places I have lived
1. Little Rock, AR
2. Annapolis, MD
3. Pensacola, FL
4. Oceanside, CA

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Firefly
2. Scrubs
3. My Name Is Earl
4. The Office

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Las Vegas (my favorite place to go)
2. Bahamas
3. Disneyworld
4. Buena Vista, CO

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. Google
2. Yahoo
3. http://www.witchvox.com/
4. www.msnbc.msn.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Creme Brulee
2. Mojitos (drinks count, right?)
3. French Toast
4. Spaghetti

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Home
2. Dublin, Ireland
3. Anywhere in Japan
4. Little Rock (without my parents knowing I'm in town)

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Jay (next time he checks his email)
2. Michelle
3. Thom
4. Hasn't everyone else already responded?

BILL
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Carpenter
2. Massage therapist
3. Buss boy / pantry man
4. Soils teck

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Patton
2. Monty Pythons Holy Grail
3. Saving private Ryan
4. True grit

C) Four places I have lived
1. Palm Desert, CA
2. Millillani, HI
3. Hawaii Kai, HI
4. Henderson, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Law and order
2. Lost
3. History channel
4. Fox news

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Victoria, BC
2. Corbet, OR
3. Hawaii
4. Washington DC

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. arutzsheva.com
2. debka.com
3. worldnetdaily.com
4. drudgereport.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Rib-eye
2. Tacos
3. Cameronies de abrolito timo (Bacon wrapped shrimp)
4. Chinese

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Scottish highlands
2. Hawaii (Big island)
3. New zeland
4. Italy

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Mary
2. Mark
3. Buddy
4. Lisa

MARTHA
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. YMCA swim coach - I was really there for the Hot Guys!
2. Medical Assistant for OB/GYN Doctor.....never again...I've seen things no other women should be forced to see
3. Drove a forklift for a Clothing Distribution Center...yes I was a certified forklift driver!
4. Mother

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Titanic
2. Shriek 2
3. Shark Tale
4. Pirates of the Caribbean 1 & 2

C) Four places I have lived
1. Rock Hill, SC
2. Fontana, CA
3. Oklahoma City, OK
4. Las Vegas, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. CSI Miami
2. Will & Grace
3. Law & Order
4. 48 Hours

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Atlanta, GA
2. Mexico City, MX
3. Myrtle Beach, SC
4. Miami, Fl

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. CNN
2. Cox.net
3. MySpace - every other day
4. Sin City - motorcycle club

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Chocolate - Twix
2. Pizza
3. Pops - cereal
4. Spaghetti

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Horse back riding in North Carolina ..... My retirement place
2. waving bye to my son as leaves for a far, far, far away college :)
3. On a beach in Hawaii
4. Riding my motorcycle along the beaches in Florida

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Kim
2. Lynn
3. Gloria
4. Verna

Immigration

2006-09-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

Somebody e-mailed this to me, and I thought it was good enough to be shared here.
Read it and weep.
LKR

* * * * *

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the U.S. might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hardworking and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hardworking and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hardworking and honest, um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America ....if you agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it as a good simile. If not blow it off along with your future Social Security funds.

Going "OUT" in Style

2006-09-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

Anyone here watch Six Feet Under? No? Well you should. The educational value of this HBO program is invaluable.

Nobody likes to think about death. Nobody realizes that perfect health is only the slowest rate at which you will die. People prepare for all sorts of occasions – weddings, graduations, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, but nobody seems to prepare themselves for the inevitable journey we’ll all make.

These days you have many options from which to choose from. Your body can be thrown in a hole, completely untouched by any sort of funereal preparation, which is called a Green Burial. You can be mummified, shot into space, cremated, buried in a cemetery, have your remains placed in a mausoleum, or my personal favorite, turned into a diamond! I heard a story about one woman who had her husband’s cremated remains placed inside her breast implants so she could carry him around forever.

You can donate your body to science, donate your organs to dying people, or donate your body to a body farm (if you don’t know what this is you don’t watch enough CSI).

When I die, I want to keep things simple. Throw me in a cardboard box, wearing my favorite clothes (Levi’s and a Tshirt, with my Vans) and cremate me. I want no service, no viewing (what a barbaric tradition THAT is), no hole in the ground so the bugs can eat me. Take my ashes to a beach (preferably in Cabo San Lucas) and dump me there so I can stay with the ocean forever.

The Irish have the right idea when it comes to disposing of their dead. They celebrate the life of their loved ones by having a Wake. The idea of a Wake is a very simple one. A gathering is held at the house of the deceased (the old style way was to have the closed coffin in the home). All clocks in the house are stopped to show respect for the deceased, and all mirrors are covered. Candles are lit and the visitors start arriving. Once the family is ready the keening begins. This is a form of grieving for the deceased; the mourning family produces either muffled sobs or loud wailing in order to relay the depth of their sorrow. In the event that the death was considered a great loss (a parent leaving a large family or tragic or early death) the keening is most intense and heartfelt. After the keening, the food and alcohol is served. Everyone gets shitfaced and tells stories about the deceased.

An Irish Wake is what I want, and I want my own soundtrack for my party (this is the new millennium, MP3’s and iPods rule the day). This is a list of the songs I’d most like to have played at my send off – all of these songs have some special significance to me.

Megadeth – Almost Honest
Megadeth – Angry Again
Manford Mann – Blinded By The Light
Warren Zevo – Werewolves of London
Glen Fry – Smuggler’s Blues
Phil Collins – In The Air Tonight
Nine Inch Nails – Closer
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb (Pulse Version)
Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here (Pulse Version)
Murry Head – One Night in Bangkok
Tesla – Love Song
Eagles – Hotel California
Eagles – Those Shoes
Poison – Talk Dirty To Me
Pat Benatar – Hell Is For Children
Pat Benatar – Little Paradise
Pat Benatar – basically anything she came out with in the 80’s
Tina Turner – The Bitch is Back
Tina Turner – I Might Have Been Queen
Guns and Roses – Welcome To The Jungle
Guns and Roses – Civil War
Eric Clapton – Cocaine
Eric Clapton – Layla (original version)
Matchbox 20 – The Real World
Matchbox 20 – Last Beautiful Girl
Everclear – Everything to Everyone
Everclear - Wonderful
Y&T – Anything off any of their albums really, specifically Winds of Change
Axe – Rock & Roll Party in the Streets
KickAxe – Vices
Counting Crows – Accidentally In Love
Black Crows – Twice As Hard
ZZ Top – Velcro Fly
Golden Earring – Twilight Zone
Scorpions – Still Loving You
Pink – Just Like a Pill
Bowling For Soup – Last Call Casualty
Bowling For Soup – The Girl All The Bad Guys Want
Lynyrd Skynyrd – That Smell
Cheap Trick – Surrender
Bob Segar – Night Moves
Bob Segar – Fire Down Below
Lita Ford – Kiss Me Deadly
Kiss – Murder in High Heels
Kiss – Silver Spoon

You don’t like my playlist? Fuck you, its not YOUR funeral!

I’m making this up on the fly so I’m sure I could easily add 100 more songs to this – however, I don’t think anyone I know could drink that long.

Its never too early to start planning for your death. If you read the Darwin Awards, (and if you don’t, you should) you’d know that stupidity kills just as many people as cancer, and it might not be your own stupidity that will get you killed.

Phone Calls

2006-08-18T05:57:00.000-07:00

The names in this story have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

Yesterday at work I received a phone call. I have one of those “smart” office phones that will tell you the number that the call is originating from. I recognize the number as one from our Contractor’s office but am unsure as to which person is calling me. Our phone system has individual lines for each person who works for the company and a directory to query an extension for the number of any person you might be looking for. The following is our conversation:

Me: “Good Morning, (company name)”
Project manager: “Good Morning, can I speak to (insert my boss’ name here)
Me: Is this (insert Project manager’s name here, at this point I’ve recognized his voice)?
Project Manager: yes it is.
Me: You called the wrong number, this is Lynn.
Project Manager: “I’m sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number, I must have fat fingers today”

He goes along this vein for about a minute when I cut him off and say:

Me: “His extension is (blah blah blah) you need to call him at that number”
Project Manager: “ok, (here he starts talking mindlessly again)”
Me: “Congratulations, you win the big prize!”

As I hang up the phone, I mutter “Loser” and drop the receiver back into the cradle.

Flash Forward 4 hours later…

One of the Contractors arrives at my office. He looks at me and cracks up laughing. I ask him what’s so amusing. He tells me that the Project Manager sits in a bullpen area and that he had me on speaker phone earlier when he called me, and that most of the office heard me say to him, “Congratulations, you win the big prize, Loser!” and hang up on him.

At this point I’m a bit concerned. See, in some places, you can get into trouble for speaking to a person like that. So the first thing I do is go to my boss, and tell him the story. Much hysterical laughter follows and while my boss is gasping for breath and trying not to cry, he says, don’t worry about it, I’ll deal with it if anything happens, and did you really say that?

Yes, yes I did.

I love my job, but I am taking the day off. No, no, its not what you think – I’m not afraid of running into this person, today is the Star Trek Convention at the Las Vegas Hilton!

WEE!

Having a bad day?

2006-08-18T05:41:00.000-07:00

FYI - The "Brian" in the following letter is the son of a Boeing Computer Systems employee. The letter is going to his sister and he is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. I must share this with the world. Excuse the language and forward as you feel appropriate. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter... True story.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, first I must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of junk sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My butt crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.

When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my backside when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I was "constipated" for two days because my butt was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your butt.

I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Brian

Movie List

2006-07-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

I found this list on line titled, “50 Movies to see before you die”. Being the kind of person who enjoys a good list, loves watching movies, and has been told by doctors I won’t live to see the age 38, I was interested in seeing who rated the list. After reading the list, I was just plain offended.

Who makes these lists? Some Oscar hungry writer who aspires to evolve the level of the average American viewer? HELLO! We are STUPID! We LIKE the happy ending! We LIKE it when the underdog wins! We don’t want to see a depressing story – most Americans need to look no farther than their checkbook or their monthly Visa bill statement if they feel like wallowing in a suicidal depression.

Here is the list as presented by The Sunday Mail, whoever the fuck that is. Here are my comments, per movie:

1 Apocalypse Now - never seen it. Not even remotely interested.
2 The Apartment – never seen it.
3 City of God – Never HEARD of it.
4 Chinatown - I love this movie. Any fan of Jack should see this movie.
5 Sexy Beast – Never heard of it, never seen it, but the write up on IBDM sounds interesting. It’s a possibility.
6 2001: A Space Odyssey – It’s a shame Stanley Kubrick didn’t die sooner
7 North by Northwest – Never seen it.
8 A Bout de Souffle
9 Donnie Darko – Worth watching only because of the smurf dissertation scene. Bizarre in the extreme.
10 Manhattan
11 Alien – Aliens was better.
12 Lost in Translation – so is your title.
13 The Shawshank Redemption – I love love love this movie.
14 Lagaan: Once Upon A Time in India - we worshiped cows and starved to death. The End.
15 Pulp Fiction – I love love love this movie.
16 Touch of Evil
17 Walkabout
18 Black Narcissus
19 Boyzn the Hood – it didn’t suck.
20 The Player
21 Come and See
22 Heavenly Creatures
23 A Night at the Opera
2 4 Erin Brockovich – it didn’t suck
25 Trainspotting – it sucked in big horrible ways
26 The Breakfast Club – I enjoyed this movie when I was in high school.
27 Hero – excellent movie, however, I prefer Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, which didn’t even make the list.
28 Fanny and Alexander
29 Pink Flamingos – Why not just throw Mad Max up for Best Picture?
30 All About Eve – Marilyn Monroe’s first film appearance.
31 Scarface – There are not enough foul words in the English language to adequately describe how much I hate this movie.
32 Terminator 2 – Far superior to the original – I loved this movie.
33 Three Colours: Blue - what happened to red and yellow? Did the color police arrive and take them away?
34 The Royal Tenen-baums
35 The Ladykillers
36 Fight Club – it didn’t suck
37 The Searchers
38 Mulholland Drive - on my list "To See"
39 The Ipcress File
40 The King of Comedy
41 Manhunter – This was a made for TV movie, the original version of Red Dragon. I’ve seen Red Dragon, but not this movie. Three words – READ THE BOOK. Its much better
42 Dawn of the Dead – please. This movie makes the top 50 list? How much crack was the guy smoking before he decided THIS was a good idea?
43 Princess Mononoke – didn’t like it. Spirited Away was a far superior movie, and again, didn’t make the damn list. WTF?
44 Raising Arizona – this is on my list of “To Watch” movies, mostly because I’m tired of people talking about it and I’ve never seen it.
45 Cabaret – seen and enjoyed the play. Plays good, movies good, plays turned into movies = not good.
46 This Sporting Life
47 Brazil – proves my point about the crack smoking statement.
48 Aguirre: The Wrath of God
49 Secrets and Lies
50 Badlands

ET didn’t make the list?
Lord of the Rings?
Not a single Disney movie of any type warranted a watch?
No Pixar movies?
No Goodfellas? (SOOOO much better than Scarface and a true story to boot)
Not a single groundbreaking movie like Star Wars, Jurassic Park, or Indiana Jones made the list? WHAT THE HELL? Do you suppose because a movie does big box office its not “worth a watch?”

I’m an American. I want my movies with huge doses of sex and violence, with some drama and drug use and some huge explosions thrown in for good measure.

Things that Piss Me Off

2006-07-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

I hate snow.
I hate the cold.
I hate the wind.

I hate people who cut me off in traffic then drive slow.
I hate cell phones.
I hate people who drive and talk on cell phones.

I hate cats.
I hate my neighbors who own cats.
I hate my neighbors who own cats that let them roam the neighborhood at night so they can shit in my flowerbox.

I hate people who interrupt me when I'm speaking.
I hate people who try to talk to me when I'm on the phone.
I absolutely despise hearing "We're having a meeting..."

I hate all the women in the world who have screwed over a man just for money or security reasons - thank you for messing up what good men are left out there. I hope you die a horrible death.

I hate the person who thought up Reality TV. I hope you get hand cancer and have to use the remote control by poking your nose at it.

I hate the office manager. She's so evil cancer didn't kill her. I'm not sure silver bullets or wooden stakes would work either.

I hate that there are commercials for tampons, douches, and panty liners on TV but there is no advertising for cigarettes, condoms, abortion, or guns.

I hate Monica from the energy drink commercials. I keep wishing she would trip and break a hip.

High School Reunions

2006-07-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

Beth, I blame you for this madness. Partially.

I was rampaging my way thru myspace when I accidentally clicked on “classmates.com”. In a moment of weakness, I filled out the free screen and spent an amusing 7 or so minutes looking up the class of (insert year here) for (insert high school name here). Then it hit me – I haven’t thought about these people in years because I don’t give a fuck about them.

Ok, that’s not completely true. I haven’t touched my high school yearbooks in years. Probably since the last time they were unpacked and tossed onto a bookshelf to remain there indefinitely with the dust and the other books I don’t look at but can’t seem to bring myself to get rid of.

Most of my memories of high school are painful at best.

Fast forward to present time – I looked at the names of the classmates of my school and some of them made me giggle, some of them made me wonder like VH1 “Where are they now?” and some of them just made me cringe.

It was then I realized that I can’t ever go back to any reunion.

I simply can’t bring myself to look at all those people I had bad sex with and politely ask “So, did you get any better over the past 20 years?”

Crime and Punishment - an Experiment

2006-06-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

Here are some words that demand clarification before we get started. Please pay close attention to the definition of these words.

CRIME
An act committed or omitted in violation of a law forbidding or commanding it and for which punishment is imposed upon conviction.
Unlawful activity: statistics relating to violent crime.
A serious offense, especially one in violation of morality.
An unjust, senseless, or disgraceful act or condition: It's a crime to squander our country's natural resources.
PUNISHMENT
a. The act or an instance of punishing.
b. The condition of being punished.
A penalty imposed for wrongdoing: “The severity of the punishment must... be in keeping with the kind of obligation which has been violated” (Simone Weil).
PENALTY
A punishment established by law or authority for a crime or offense.
Something, especially a sum of money, required as a forfeit for an offense.
The disadvantage or painful consequences resulting from an action or condition:
INCARCERATION
To put into jail.
To shut in; confine.

I’m a TV junkie. I spend hours clicking through the cable guide looking for new and interesting shows to tape on the DVR. See, as much as I love TV, I hate watching commercials, which requires me to record everything and watch it at a later date so I can fast forward through the commercials.

Lately I’ve discovered the History channel. I never paid much attention to this channel before, dismissing it as the WW2 channel. As I cruised through the History channel guide I noticed a listing for a show called “Punishment” (http://store.aetv.com/html/product/index.jhtml?id=72449). The description sounded promising so I taped it. What I wasn’t prepared for was the hideous amount of violence that was chronicled throughout this show. (Note – while “Punishment” was airing it had FREQUENT warnings about the graphic content in the show – but so does Nip/Tuck, who knew I was supposed to take that seriously??) It starts off in Ancient Egypt describing the different levels of punishment used for various crimes committed, and gives an exquisitely painful and gory detailed history of different punishments meted throughout the ages up to modern times.

I’ve never thought of myself as someone who has a weak stomach, but this show definitely made me queasy.

The points that were made in this program that I found particularly interesting was the fact that nobody has been able to determine if the death penalty works as a deterrent to prevent crime. Records were not kept throughout history recording these statistics, although they did record the name of the accused, his crime, the devices used in his torture, how much blood was spilled, how many bones were broken, or how many times he screamed before admitting to a crime which he may or may not have committed simply to make the torture stop.

Its been proven that the modern attempts at punishment, better known in America as incarceration, are a failure. Our crime rate in the USA accelerates every year. The age of the average first time offender is 23. The average sentence for the first time offender (depending upon the crime committed) is 36 months. Up to 60% of these first time offenders, when released back into society, commit another crime and end up back in the prison system as second time offenders.

While 36 states in America currently sanction the use of the death penalty, only 2 actively use it, those being Texas and Florida. Most death row inmates in the other 34 states end up dying of natural causes. Since the year 1977 in the state of Nevada, 11 out of the last 12 death row inmates were executed by their own request, because they no longer wanted to fight the battles in court over their appeals.

Why do we have the death penalty when so many states are reluctant to use it? WHY are so many states reluctant to use it? Does the idea of justice lose its appeal when faced with decision to take a human life, no matter how useless that human life might be? Whatever happened to an eye for an eye? How can locking a man up in an 8 foot by 10 foot cell for the rest of his natural life compare to a crime of murder?

States that actually use the death penalty fly into the face of those people who believe life is a gift and should be preserved at any cost. These are the same people who are attempting to stop women from getting abortions for any reason, INCLUDING pregnancy due to incest or rape. Think about that for a while.

Inmates have huge groups of activists fighting for “Inmate Rehabilitation”. If you don’t understand what this means, please allow me to explain. Inmates are incarcerated. They are not “rehabilitated”. The only way an inmate can “rehabilitate” is to decide, under his own free will, that he wants to repent for his crime.

Inmates are afforded many opportunities that are not available to the average American. Inmates can take classes, for free, to obtain their high school diploma or General Education Degree. Inmates have counseling programs offered to them for drug rehabilitation, alcohol addiction, parenting skills, and job training workshops, all for free. Inmates get clothing provided to them, for free, for the duration of their incarceration. Inmates are charged a nominal fee for any medical attention they might need while incarcerated. This fee is paid IF the inmate has the money on his books to pay. If he does not have any money, medical staff treats him anyway. Ditto for dental. When was the last time YOU went to a dentist and paid $8 for a visit?

Most prisons offer some sort of inmate labor, for which the inmates are paid minimum wage. Thankfully, the federal government takes their share out of the inmate labor wages. While the inmate is forced to pay taxes on this money, he does NOT have to use this money to pay any restitution costs he might have from his crime.

If you are a person who doesn’t believe in the death penalty, please stop reading right here. Go back to your land of rainbows, peace, hugs, kisses, and teddy bears, and be on your way. You will not like the rest of this. As the show “Punishment” promises – the content contained herein will be of a graphic nature. You have been warned, and this will be your only warning. Everything previous to this point is based on fact; the rest is pure speculation and my personal opinion.

So, you’ve chosen to continue reading. Good for you!

All of these facts/figures/ect. have my brain on fire right now. All I can do is drive myself crazy thinking about how different things would be if I were President. YAY!! Another platform I can use on my campaign!

People opposed to the death penalty will tell you that the death penalty does not deter criminals. How can we know if this is true or not? I say we perform an experiment!

All 50 states MUST participate in this experiment in order to have it work. You can’t have one state holding out, saying they won’t perform executions, because it will throw off the statistics. So for the sake of argument, let’s say we can get all 50 states to agree on SOMETHING other than the legal drinking age and have them agree to this.

All 50 states announce that they will be enforcing the death penalty and all inmates currently on death row will have their sentences carried out over the next 12-month period. Each state takes the oldest cases of death row inmates and give them a 30-day notice to get their affairs in order, have family members visit, write letters of apology to their victims, make funeral arrangements, ect. As the 30-day time limit expires, each state executes one inmate a month for the next 12 months. That’s 50 states multiplied by 1 inmate per state, so 50 executions a month, multiply that by 12 months, and you get 600 executions performed during the first year. That should clear up most of the death row inmates. As an added bonus, states can offer to televise the event on cable television.

Yes, I realize that states that still have use capital punishment have more than 50 inmates on death row. Please remember that there are 14 other states that do not have capital punishment, so we’d have to split up the difference with them.

Now, 600 executions is a whole lot of dead people. Fortunately, there are thousands of people on waiting lists for organ donations. I propose we find some way of executing these inmates without damaging their organs, and in some small way they will be repaying their debt to society by donating their organs to people who would die without them. (Note – I wish I could take credit for this idea, but it was actually presented by a co-worker of mine during a discussion of this subject. I had to amend my original thoughts on the death penalty to include this, because I was all for using the firing squad, which would damage organs)

I am personally opposed to animal testing of any kind. I therefore propose that inmates that have been sentenced to life without the possibility of parole (this is what the death penalty is in the other 14 states that don’t actually use capital punishment) be taken to cancer and aids research facilities. You want restitution made? I can think of no better way to make amends for your crime than to offer your body up to research to find cures for these fatal diseases. Why should countless animals die every day in search of a cure for humans, when there are so many guilty criminals that could be used as research subjects?

Oh, stop screaming about cruel and unusual punishment. Let me tell you about cruel and unusual punishment. When I was growing up we moved from California to Louisiana. Shortly after moving there, this would have been 1980 for anyone who cares to research this case, a young girl was gang raped by three men and beaten half to death. All three men were caught and sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole, but given a caveat in their sentencing – the judge decreed that they could undergo a castration procedure and get life WITH the possibility of parole. Two of the men decided to take life without. The third man decided he wanted to undergo the medical procedure. The public outcry was horrendous. Screams of “cruel and unusual punishment” abounded. Remember, this was completely the decision of the guilty men in question; nobody was holding a gun to their head and forcing them to have the castration done. Why was nobody screaming about the cruel and unusual treatment they subjected that poor woman to?

As usual, I’ve managed to lose my point. Let me get back to the experiment at hand.

In theory, death row has been cleaned out. All the lifer inmates are busy being useful to society. Now its time to deal with the “Life with the possibility of parole” inmates. What’s to be done with them?

Please ask Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County in Arizona. He’s already got the right idea. For more information on this please visit this website and read his interview: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/today/webchat/webchat_sheriff.shtml.

Now, practice this for, let’s say, a five-year period. And let’s see how the crime rates are then. If I’m wrong, at the very least we’ve prevented some very bad people from breeding, accelerated finding cures for disease, found ways to keep our highways and state parks cleaner for no extra expense, and saved some kittens, puppies, and bunnies along the way.

The Burning Question of the Hour

2006-06-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

Would it fucking kill Oscar Meyer to get together with Wonder Bread and make a package of hotdogs and a package of hotdog buns that contain the same number of each?

Who's brilliant idea was it to put 10 hotdogs in a package and only 8 hotdog buns in the bread package?

This will be one of my platforms when I run for president.

That is all.

Engineers - this should explain it all

2006-06-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Abortion

2006-06-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Direct quote taken off the http://www.foxnews.com/ website regarding the issue of abortion:

“Secretary of State Chris Nelson said Monday that the law's opponents had collected enough signatures to put a question on the November ballot asking voters if the law should go into effect as planned or be dumped.

The state's abortion law, among the strictest in the nation, bans the procedure in all cases except when necessary to save a woman's life, with no exceptions for rape or incest.”

Read that again. With NO exceptions for rape or incest.

I am horrified.

I am disgusted that they would put a clause in that it is acceptable to abort if the woman’s life is in danger but not if she’s raped. Its acceptable to terminate pregnancy if your life is in danger, but not your sanity if you end up pregnant by a rapist. Or by your father.

I am stunned that our government, after all this time, would change their position on abortion. Considering all the unwanted, uncared for children in the United States today, someone decided it was time to change the abortion laws.

What I’d really like to see happen is half of Congress have their wives, or their daughters, or their mothers, or their sisters, or female cousins, get raped and end up pregnant by the experience. Let’s see where they stand on the issue then.

Movie/TV Quotes that make me happy

2006-06-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

My favorite movie/tv quotes – in no particular order!

See if you can recognize them:

“If the world was flooded with piss and you lived in a tree, I would drown. Willingly.”

Protester: Do you know how many animals had to die in order to make that coat?
Rich Woman: Do you know how many rich animals I had to fuck in order to GET this coat?

“What do you want, you moon-faced assassin of joy?”

“Ahhh, here are my wives….Famine, Pestilence, and Death!”

Morden: "What do you want?"
Vir: "I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I'd look up at your lifeless eyes and wave like this. Can you and your associates arrange it for me, Mr. Morden?"

“We’re getting beat up by the guys who invented Scrabble!”

“I AM the bad guy.”

“I don’t care if he runs around the store at night with a rubber glove on his head screaming “Look at me! I’m a squid! I’m a squid!”

Tallest: I thought you were banished to Planet Food Courtopia”
Zim: “Oh, I quit that when I heard about THIS.”
Tallest: “You QUIT being banished?!”

“I’m running! I’m running! I’m naked!”

“How did you learn to shoot like that?”
“I bought a book. It came with a gun.”

“It’s a gun. You don’t yank the trigger, like its your dick, you SQUEEZE.”

“Look, a giraffe!”
“Look, a fist!” /massive punch to the face

“Dude, you've got some Artz on you.”

The Urban Utopia

2006-05-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

Every day at work starts the same. There are a select group of people I work with that will gather at our smoking spot outside to have early morning discussions which have absolutely nothing to do about work. Topics change more quickly than Superman speeding to his handy telephone booth for a quick costume change (poor Superman, what is he to do in today’s world of cell phones?)

One particular day, the discussion was about home renovation (several of us are going thru a home improvement phase right now). One of my co-workers, not particularly renouned for his insightful comments, used the phrase “THE URBAN UTOIPA”. For me, this was a phrase I could instantly identify with and I squirreled this away for future reference and use.

The Urban Utopia.
Short.
Simplistic.
Elegant.
I’m in love.

I’ve spent years building my Urban Utopia. Many people have, sadly without realizing what they were doing. I have a mission now. I’m committed. I’m dedicated. I’m willing to make the sacrifices to the Utopian gods demand so I’m able to watch TV in the most comfortable surroundings I can.

My home is my compound. Its my sanctuary. Its my place of relaxation. It’s the one place in the world I don’t have to keep my barriers in place. I don’t have a throne, I have a couch. I don’t have minions, I have a TV. I don’t have a cook, chauffer, a cleaning service, or a butler, but I do have a DVD player, a surround sound system, a fifty inch TV, and a trade paperback library of epic proportions.

My TV is my Stargate to other worlds.
My remote control is my general that controls my armies.
My armies consist of TV channels.

FX is currently winning my own personal programming war, with HBO and SciFi channel battling closely behind for the champion spot. My list of TV shows I follow, in no particular order, are as follows:
The 4400
The Shield
Nip/Tuck
Rome
Deadwood
Carnivale
The Soporanos (I actually hate this show after 6 seasons, I'm only watching it for the bloodbath I'm sure will come at the end and to see AJ and Christopher get a dose of whip ass from Tony)
Battlestar Galactia
Lost
Smallville (also a show I've grown to hate but continue to follow because I'm waiting for Chloe and Lana to die a horrible death)
CSI (the original, Las Vegas - there is no other CSI in my world)
Rescue Me
Entourage
Mind of Mencia
Theif
Justice League (JLA Unlimited)
Teen Titans

Believe it or not, I spent years not watching TV. I can't decide if I'm trying to compensate now for all the TV I missed or if the programming that was on at the time was not worthy of my viewing time.

My personal Urban Utopia of TV watching is not for everyone. Like any other sport, you have to build up endurance for it. You don't believe me? I challenge you to a contest - rent a TV series and attempt to watch the entire collection in one day. Most people do not have the stamina to do this. They fall asleep, or their body parts start to malfunction due to lack of activity, or they develope a condition called "cabin fever" which means they have to leave the house in order to not go insane. Start off slow. Watch one disk one day. The next day, try watching 2. The next day, watch 3. And so on. This will build your endurance up and suppress the urge to do things like go outside, which leads to the evils of being exposed to sunshine and leads to the temptation of spending money from being around places like "The Mall".

The lesson here, children, is that outside is BAD, and you should be creating your own Urban Utopia.

Vacation - DC Style

2006-05-28T07:07:00.000-07:00

So here I am, on the east coast. Lovely place. Lots of green grow-ey type things. Lots of humidity. Lots of rain. Yes, rain. Being a desert rat I don’t get the opportunity to see much rain, and when it does rain in Vegas its an epic event that you don’t want to be caught out in unless you want to test the theory that your car has submarine like qualities and can float.

After a perfectly hellish red eye flight into DC we are staying in Virginia with some friends of ours. Here I am, in the greater DC area. What am I going to do? Take a White House tour? NO! There are no more White House tours. In order to take a WH tour you have to make write your Congressman and arrange a special tour a month in advance, I’m assuming for security purposes. Unfortunately I didn’t research this little fact until AFTER flying to the east coast, so no WH tour for me. Hrmp. Fine, I didn’t want to see GB’s silly house anyway. I’d probably have to disinfect myself with acid and bleach after leaving to remove the dirt.

Thursday we spent most of the day recovering from the flight (seeing the sunrise at 2:30 a.m. will fuck up your internal clock like nothing you’ve ever experienced before). That evening we experienced some Virginia nightlife when our friends took us out to a lovely outdoor café by the water and we met all sorts of new and interesting people. Imagine a table full of 20 geeks all discussing the merits of on line gaming, comic books, Dungeons and Dragons, and other points of geek interest while consuming mass amounts of alcohol and you get the picture. The alcohol and the Xanax insured a good night’s sleep to wear off the jet lag.

Friday we went into DC and toured the Museum of Natural History. Six hours of touring and we managed to make it thru 3 different exhibits and did a very fast walking tour of 2 more trying to locate the exit. What a place. I got to check off an item of interest on my internal “List of Things I Want To Do Before I Die” by seeing the Hope Diamond up close and personal. Well, as up close and personal as you can get between you and an item placed behind bullet proof glass, but you know what I mean. The geological exhibits alone make this place worth visiting. I grew up in a house of rock hounds, my father being a geologist and my mother being a connoisseur of fine jewelry. Buddy took some fantastic pictures which I won’t be posting because I am too simple minded to know how to do this.

Friday night was X3 night. While not living up to the story expectations of X2, the special effects were bigger, and I am a simple enough person to be happy with lots of explosions and not much else. Kelsey Grammer as “Beast” did an outstanding job, making the price of admission worth it. My disappointments in the movie were that after the big trailer build up of Angel, he had a VERY small part in the movie. Hello, more Angel less Storm, kkthx. Halle Barry sucked, as usual, but considering that’s how she probably got her start in movies by sucking (the director, the agent, ect.) its not all that surprising to see it carried over on the big screen.

After the movie we went to Denny’s to have a post X3 discussion which entailed eating too much food containing too much sugar and staying up way too late. In other words, exactly how you would expect to spend your vacation time. I had a GREAT day.

Saturday was spent recovering from all that exercise (we’re not accustomed to walking, I have a car, thank you). Our friends had an all day AMBER game which meant we had the run of their lovely home and more importantly, unlimited access to their sixty inch widescreen high def TV all day. We spent the day on their wonderfully comfortable couches watching Season 2 of The 4400.

NOTE: If you follow this show and HAVE NOT watched this season, skip to the next section. Spoilers are contained herein. You have been warned.

I will be discussing the merits of THE URBAN UTOPIA in a later post. Right now, I’d like to clarify that while some people think its insanity to spend a day of your vacation in a strange city doing nothing but sitting at someone’s house watching TV, its my idea of THE URBAN UTOPIA. If you don’t like it, fuck off. Nobody asked you to read this.

Meanwhile, back to our regularly scheduled blogging:
The 4400 – what a great fucking show. I have my friend Holly (better known as Badriyah) to thank for turning me onto this show. When last we met our intrepid adventurers in season 1, Lily and Richard were on the run with their daughter Isabelle, Sean became part of the cult that Jordan Collier was developing into “The 4400 Center”, and Kyle was a host for some alien presence. We learned that The 4400 screening process left a lot to be desired as they took serial killers and mentally sick individuals along with your average Joe Citizen and military personnel. My comments on Season 2 are as follows:
Does nobody find it weird that Jordan Collier is apparently the “Bruce Wayne” character? Dude has no ABILITIES! NONE! The Spokesperson for the 4400 returnees doesn’t even have a mutant ability! WHY is this guy running the show? Because he has the 2 things that everyone respects – financial backing and power. THOSE are his mutant powers. And HELLO! He dies, gets shot in a very public manner, his body DISAPPEARS and nobody cares? There is not a single moment spent on locating his body once he dies. You see an empty casket and a half hearted search of the building and WHAM! – onto other things. I didn’t like that at all.

Today is Sunday. Things are quiet. Everyone in the house except for me is still asleep. See, you all forgot I was on vacation, didn’t you? I have no idea what the plans are, and that is my idea of the perfect vacation!

The Little Things Part 2 – Stupid Shit People Say

2006-05-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days when people say something so dumb your brain freezes from astonishment?

You don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me give you an example.

While dining at a friend’s house one evening, my girlfriend’s husband made the following comment: “Gee, there’s a lot of water in this watermelon!”

Conversation stops around the table while we all reflect on the simplicity of this statement. Hysterical laughter begins to the point where I have to leave the table, mostly because the man in question has no idea what we all find so funny.

Every day I hear things like this. It never ceases to amaze me that the majority of the people I work with have college degrees. It proves my point that the degree is simply a piece of paper saying, “Look at me, I’m an EDUCATED idiot!”

Another shining example:
I’m an atheist. For those of you who don’t know what this means, I don’t believe in God. I do, however, have an extensive collection of jewelry which includes pieces such as ankhs, Celtic crosses, and the like. One day at work I was wearing my ankh (for those of you who don’t know, this is an Egyptian symbol for life). I had an employee in my office actually ask me this question: “Is that a symbol of the crucifikation?”

I had a good 3 seconds of stunned silence before I was able to respond. First of all, there is no such word as “crucifikation”. The proper word is crucifixion. The Egyptian culture existed 3,000 years prior to the birth of Christ. Now granted, I don’t expect everyone to know what an ankh is, or what it stands for, but I do expect a Mormon to know what the cross that Jesus (in theory) was CRUCIFIED on looks like, and know what the word “CRUCIFIED” means, and I certainly expect a college educated idiot to know you can’t just make up words nilly-willy and bastardize a word by adding “tion” to the end of it.

I’m hyper-sensitive to religious discussion anyway, and Mormons drive me right over the edge. But that’s a story for another day.

Another day at work:
I’m sitting on the steps at work one day, having a smoke. The scene plays out as follows:
Some guy walks up to me and says: Does your mommy know you’re smoking?
Me: Does your mommy know you’re an asshole?
Guy walks away grumbling to himself.

A few days after we move into our new house in Vegas:
A salesmen knocks on the door. I answer, already grumpy from unpacking boxes all day and not having a shower because I can’t remember which box has the bathroom stuff in it. I’m smelly, wearing shorts that should have been thrown in the trash a very long time ago and my hair is wrapped up in a bandanna. The conversation goes like this:
Salesman: Is your mommy home?
Me: My mommy’s dead, what do you want?
Salesman……

Another day at home, the Mormons come calling…
Mormon Missionary: DO YOU WANT TO FIND GOD?
Me: Not right now.
/massive door slam
This incident frightened me because when I opened the door, the over excited Mormon had my screen door open and literally yelled “DO YOU WANT TO FIND GOD?” in my face the moment I opened the door. Hello, I have important TV watching to be doing, please take your God and your bicycle and leave my property before I am forced to tell the police you called me a very ugly name and that’s why I had to shoot you.

My husband and I got suckered into buying a Kirby vacuum cleaner early on in our marriage. After a few years go by, the Kirby salesmen come to our house and want to give us a demonstration of the "new and improved" Kirby. There are 2 of them, one older gentleman and one younger waste of perfectly good oxygen. I politely explain to them that we already own a Kriby and are not interested in a demonstration, but I'd like to purchase some bags and belts while they are here. This following is the result of our conversation:
Younger guy: What model Kirby do you own?
Me: a Generation 3
Younger guy: Oh, that model's a piece of shit, you should see the new one.
Me: Excuse me?
My husband: Oh boy.
Older guy: what he meant was....
Me: Did you just call my thousand dollar vacuum cleaner a piece of shit? Did you really just say that?
Younger guy: uhmmmm
My husband: You're in for it now! /sits down and laughs, all but clapping his hands with glee
Me: Get the fuck out of my house. NOW.
Younger guy:......
Me: You deaf and stupid? GET OUT! NOW!
Older guy: are you still interested in the belts and bags?

Every day is another example of why safety regulations are a bad idea. If we’d quit putting air bags in cars, stop making people wear their seat belts, quit putting warning labels on every little electrical appliance that says “do not use near water”, and quit putting labels on house hold cleaning products that say “don’t drink this”, we could clear out many of the stupid people from the gene pool (who seem to be the only ones breeding anyway) and the humans of Earth, by process of elimination, would become smarter.

The Little Things List - I blame Lisa

2006-05-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

This is in direct response to Lisa’s post called “The Little Things List” on her blog http://disenchantedimsure.blogspot.com/

I don’t spend a lot of quality time thinking about things that make me happy. I’m too busy looking for my next victim to consider what makes me happy. I’m usually skulking around in a rage induced state thinking up colorful ways to punish the person who’s made me angry. Therefore, this list does not come easy for me. I’m already thinking up the sister post to this, Things That Piss Me Off.

However, I digress.

Lisa covered some of the things that make me happy in her post – puppy hugs, animal print pillows, tacos, ect. The things I would add to that list are:

Bacon.
Bacon covered bacon rolls covered in bacon and smothered with bacon. Bacon has to be the most versatile food product around. I’ve yet to discover a food that doesn’t go well with bacon (I had a little incident where I couldn’t look at bacon for awhile after reading Stephen King’s book “Dreamcatcher”, but I’m over that now).

New Books.
I love reading. I read all different kinds of books. The problem is I read too fast so I end up re-reading a lot of stuff because I’m too lazy to make as many trips to the library as I should. I have 8 bookshelves in my house full of books, all of which I love. There is nothing like getting a nice new book (“new” is a relative term – I mostly buy “new to me” books from a used bookstore). A favorite pastime of mine is to buy a big bag of Ruffles, get a new book, and spend Sunday afternoon in my jammies on the couch going through both the book and the chips. Books are absolutely the best entertainment for your buck. They are inexpensive, they last for hours, they don’t need to be rebooted, you can take them with you anywhere, and you can always pick up right where you left off. All things in life should be as simple as reading a good book.

Finding Treasure.
I love “finding” things. Yard sales are gold mines to me. I adore secondhand stores. I love walking into a comic book store I’ve never been to before and searching thru their back issue stock. There is nothing quite like the high you get from finding something you’ve been looking for and didn’t even know you were looking for it, right up until you found it and decided you couldn’t live without it. It doesn’t have to be expensive, although it can be. Just that “thing” you see that you must have, and the ability to acquire it. My house is filled with “things I’ve found”. They make me happy.

Music.
I love music. I remember being 5 years old and throwing a screaming bitching fit when my father tried to turn the car off during my favorite song when we had arrived at our destination. The song was “Music Box Dancer”. To this day I still love that song. My mother had the presence of mind to make him leave the car on until the song finished. Music is inspiring. Music makes house-cleaning fun. It takes the dreariness out of my workday. It makes my drive home from work fun. Music lifts me up and while I’m in my car with the windows rolled down and the stereo turned up and my favorite song is blasting out of the speakers, and for that one moment in time, I’m someone else. I can forget that I had a crappy day at work and I smoked my last cigarette and I have 2 bucks left in my wallet. For that moment, I’m a millionaire with the world at my feet and the wind at my back.

Found Money.
Does this really need clarifying? I’m happy if I find a dollar in the laundry!

Clean Sheets.
Nothing feels as good as taking a shower at night, being all nice and squeaky clean, then slipping into your freshly made bed with your nice clean sheets all crisp and smelling of sunshine. It makes all the effort involved in changing the sheets on a California King bed worthwhile for that moment you slip into the sheets at night and feel at peace with the world, snug in your pillows.

Playing Video Games.
My finest hour was getting my epic in Everquest. No, I’m not going to explain that statement. I will qualify it with this – video games provide that wonderful false sense of accomplishment that you’re lacking in your everyday life. The high can last for hours and is completely addicting. Plus there’s an audience of thousands of people you can share your accomplishments with.

Ok, this post is making me feel dirty. I must find a hapless engineer to go scream at until my rage level is within normal parameters again.

My Secret

2006-05-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

I thought about writing my confession on a post card and sending it to www.postsecret.com; however, a very good friend of mine suggested that I write it up and post it here instead.

I have an unusual hobby that I’d like to share with you.

Admit it….you want to know what my secret is. You know you do.

Move closer, and let me whisper it in your ear.

When I go out of town on vacation, I visit comic book stores in other cities.

There, I said it.

Comic book stores are funny places. Its not like walking into Wal-Mart. You visit one Wal-Mart; you’ve seen them all. The lay out might be different and the sales might vary, but the general theme of the store remains the same. DISCLAIMER – for the purpose of this article I’m discounting the existence of SUPER Wal-Mart. I know its there, I know it exists, but this is my article, and I’ll ignore SUPER Wal-Mart if I want to.

It started in California when my husband and I attended our first SDCC. We arrived the day before the convention started, so it made sense that we should visit a local comic book store and see what they were doing in honor of SDCC. As it turns out, they weren’t doing a whole lot, but they did have some very cool merchandise we hadn’t seen in our local store. It was interesting visiting a different comic book store in another state – in that dirty “I’m cheating on my lover with someone in a different zip code I’ll never see again” kind of way.

I suppose I should clarify that last statement. When I gave up recreational drugs for comic books, I looked high and low for a store that could satisfy the needs of both myself and my husband. The problem is, we read completely different styles of comics. He loves the main stream DC/Marvel with a smattering of indy style and I love the Vertigo/Indy books with a healthy serving of “weird”. Most stores have a great selection of one while lacking in the other. While the stores I’ve dealt with in the past have tried to be accommodating to our wishes, some owners get that look on their face that tells you they would rather swallow shattered bits of glass than order that particular book for you, and others…..just forget to order. Its frustrating.

The joy of visiting a different comic book store is that you get a different perspective of what that particular owner emphasizes. You make regular trips to your local store in hopes that the owner will remember you, deliver the books that you’ve requested, maybe give you a discount on merchandise you’ve ordered. When you walk into your local shop it should be like a trip to Cheers – everybody knows your name. Its comfortable, predictable, and as exciting as scrambled eggs. When you visit a different store, it should be exotic, like a trip to a rave. New boxes of comics to pilfer, new merchandise to look at and sigh over, seeing things that make you want to whip out your credit card out faster than a speeding bullet. Its exciting and unpredictable, and while you rationalize that you should call your local store and ask them to order the stuff for you, the thrill of the impulse to purchase it RIGHT NOW is more than you can resist.

Since then, we’ve made it a habit to visit any and all comic book stores we come across in whatever city we happen to find ourselves in. On a trip to Reno to visit my cousin and her family for Thanksgiving, we took a tour of the local talent there and found a very unusual comic book store. The store had obviously been a residence at one point that someone bought and turned into a store. It had entire rooms devoted to different aspects of the comic book industry. One room had comics, another room had toys, yet another had gaming paraphernalia, and so on. The owner was a very sweet man who spent the better part of an hour explaining to my cousin what Pokemon cards were and why they had significant social values.

On a trip to Manhattan, we visited Mid-Town Comics. Mid-Town Comics held the honor of the absolute “best” comic book store I’d been to for quite awhile. The store itself is massive in size. The annual rent on that place alone I’m sure could feed a small impoverished third world nation for a couple of years. The people who worked there were VERY nice and didn’t give me that funny “You’re a girl the clothes shopping district is THAT way” look when I walked into the store. Mid-Town also scored big points for having a wonderful trade paperback collection (in fact, their collection was so wonderful we ended up having to buy another suitcase for the flight home in order not to pay weight overages on the return flight).

On that same trip, I had to cry into my pillow one night because we didn’t get the opportunity to visit Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash. However, I digress.

One thing you start to notice when you visit different comic book stores in different parts of the country is you find the “cheater” stores. What is a “cheater” store, you ask? A “cheater” store is the kind of store that bills itself out as a comic book store, but really sells anything from overpriced stuffed animals to Hero Clix to Matchbox cars to action figures and has a glass counter in the front with 4 comics stuck inside it. I HATE these stores! They make me want to set fire to the beanie babies and throw flaming teddy bears into the action figure display screaming like a banshee all the while. A handy trick to recognizing the “cheater” store is by looking at their ad – if the title says something like “Comics and MORE”, this is a clear warning it’s a cheater store.

The Mecca of all comic book stores, the store that shines brightly on the pedestal of all that a comic book store should aspire to be, is Austin Books and Comics, located in Austin, Texas. On a trip out to Texas to visit friends we asked to be taken to a comic book shop. Austin Books and Comics was the store we visited, and its the kind of store that makes you happy you collect comics. The trade paperback selection is staggering. Its better organized than and a housewife’s pantry and just as shiny. The back issue section is enough to make a comic collector weep. The store is clean, bright, and the sales people are well informed about their products. This trip didn’t require another suitcase purchase – we were smart enough to bring along an empty backpack for just such a situation.

My husband has a new retirement goal – he wants to move to Texas, buy Austin Books, and spend his remaining days reading comics while living in the store.

We are planning a trip to Virginia/Washington DC next month – I can’t wait to see what the comic book stores are like there!

What D&D Character Are You?

2006-04-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

What is it about on line quizzes? They are like crack - completely useless and completely addicting. If I see one, I have to take it.

My friend Beth sent me this one about D&D, the following are my results. Those of you who know me best will not be surprised.

Neutral Evil Human Fighter Mage
Follower Of Cyric

Alignment: Neutral Evil characters believe in Number One. Their personal gain takes precedence over all else, and they will work with whomever necessary and whatever institutions necessary to further their own goals.

Race: Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.

Primary Class: Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Secondary Class: Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.

Deity: Cyric is the Neutral Evil god of death, murder, the dead, strife, tyranny, deception, and illusion. His followers are working to secure his position as a new god, and are in conflict with many worshippers of other deities. They wear black or dark purple robes, with silver trimming, and wear silver bracelets. Cyric's symbol is a skull set in a purple starburst.

Cooking

2006-04-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

Cooking.

If there’s a more frightening activity that one can engage in, I don’t want to know what it is.

I am deeply envious of people like my husband. He can walk into a kitchen without fear, throw stuff in pans and light fires and make good tasting food.

My job is to clean up the dishes.

Which I’m ok with! Really!

Its just….I wish I could do that.

I hate the entire cooking process. I hate grocery shopping. I hate putting groceries away. I hate trying to figure out what to have Buddy fix for dinner. I hate making sure we have all the proper ingredients in order to have Buddy cook with. I hate the stove. It’s scary. It’s big. It’s hot. Its disaster waiting to happen if I get near it. I hate that I can’t even cut up food without doing physical damage to myself.

Our friend Michelle is an AMAZING cook. This woman comes over to our house and makes dinner. Now THAT is a friend. SHE has no fear of the kitchen. Is this some sort of gene that just isn’t in my physical make up? Am I completely lacking in the ability to do something that millions of people do every day, without starting a kitchen fire or burning the meal beyond recognition?

I printed out a bunch of low carb recipes off the Internet today with the intention of trying some of them. They are very user friendly and tell you step by step what to do. I thought I could handle this, because I DO have the ability to read, then I realized that these instructions had words in them I’ve never heard before.

What is Gorgonzola?
What is a Compari tomato? I only know red tomatoes.
What the fuck is kosher salt? The only salt I know is the one with the little girl with the umbrella on the can!
What does julienne mean?!?!?!?! It sounds dangerous!

I’m thinking I’m better off making Campbell’s soup from a can and grilled cheese sandwiches and calling it cooking.

Priceless

2006-04-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

I don't normally forward jokes but this one made me giggle
LKR

* * * *

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did anything wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife inlipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $89.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.............. PRICELESS!!!

Road Rage

2006-04-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

This post is in direct response to both Beth and Lisa’s traffic stories. I remembered one of my own.

In Vegas the city engineers either smoke lots of pot or drop acid before a city planning meeting. This means we have lots of fucked up road planning in Vegas. Ok, maybe they don’t get stoned before hand, but they should all say they do, then at least they would have an excuse for the disaster that is Las Vegas traffic.

On road in particular is fun to traverse. The name of this street is Rainbow Boulevard. The locals affectionately refer to it as Rainblow. This street has 4 lanes of traffic: one left hand turn lane, 2 straight lanes, and one right hand turn lane. Unlike other cities in Vegas, for some reason, on Rainblow, you can’t make a right hand turn unless you have a green light. You also have the option of going straight if you chose to do so in the right hand lane.

Vegas City Engineers. Poster children for crack addicts.

On this fine summer day my husband is driving down Rainblow, in the right hand lane. There are 2 cars in front of us, and one behind us. The first car in line is going straight. Even if he were turning, he’d have to wait for the green light to make his turn.

All of a sudden there is a HUGE commotion behind us. I mean, we’re sitting in the car with the windows rolled up and the radio on, and we hear screaming. Buddy looks in the rear view mirror, then turns around to look over his shoulder at the car behind us. He says, “You gotta see this”.

I turn to look, and its a case of road rage likes of which I’ve never seen before and hope to never see again. I mean, this dude looked like he was having a stroke, but due to his eloquence in sailor speak it was obvious that he was physically ok. Screaming, yelling, horn pounding, swearing, spitting, the works. The entire car was rocking due to his antics. I’m staring at him in complete amazement. It was like watching some wild animal in the zoo suffer a rabies episode.

I turn back to look out the window and realize the light has turned green. I watch the first car go straight thru the light, and the second car make a right hand turn. Meanwhile, we’re still sitting there. I gently nudge my husband and remark, the light is green, let’s go. He replies, “I know” and continues to idle.

The driver behind us lit up like a fireworks grand finale. I don’t know how the man didn’t die instantly from an overdose of adrenalin. It was amazing! The volume of the screams increased, the horn blaring is non-stop, and now he’s added punching the windshield to his repertoire. My husband and I are laughing hysterically. Finally I say to him, you need to go before this guy pulls out a gun and shoots you in the head. As we SLOOOOOWLY pull forward, the light turns yellow, and my husband is evil enough to wait until the light is ready to turn red before driving thru the light.

Sometimes, when I’m really bored and can’t sleep, I lay awake at night wondering where this guy was heading in such a hurry. I can only speculate that perhaps he found out his favorite liquor store was going out of business because you’ll never convince me that a man like that had a family to worry about. I hope he trips over a vodka bottle and smashes his head on the front bumper of his shitbox car and has to spend the rest of his life sucking pureed green beans thru a straw.

On Being Politically Correct

2006-04-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am all for being honest. I have, in my time, been called brutally honest (those of you who know me will no doubt be gasping at this point “NO WAY”). What I am not is Politically Correct. I do not follow the god that is political correctness, I do not attend the PC church, and I don’t give a fuck. If you want to know what my opinion is, please feel free to ask, but do so knowing ahead of time I don’t have time for bullshit, and my response to you will be honest, but not PC.

Things like “Political Correctness” are destroying our society. Here’s a for instance – let’s say your best friend has just entered the room wearing an outfit you wouldn’t dress your dog in. As you are biting your hand to keep from laughing, she asks, “Do I look all right?”

You have 2 choices here. Both suck. One sucks for you, the other sucks for both of you. Are you going to let her walk around looking like a fool and embarrassing the both of you, or are you doing to do the smart thing, tell her she looks like shit, and have her be mad for awhile but grateful for your uncompromising directness?

You walk into work on a Monday morning and you’re in a shitty mood, mostly because you’re at work on a Monday morning. Some asshat co-worker wants you to complete a copy work assignment, but you realize your copy machine is broke so you are forced to use the copy machine in the building next door, which just so happens to house an Engineer/Born Again Christian/Jesus Freak/Outlaw biker who feels the need to share his opinion on life with EVERYONE. (Insert here – in my opinion, which everyone here is entitled to, God has no place at work. Religion in general has no place at work. If you want to commune with God behind your office door, please feel free, but keep it to yourself, I don’t need or want to know about it)Said Engineer/Born Again Christian/Jesus Freak/Outlaw biker feels the need to start a conversation with you about God, and you tell him you don’t believe in God. He has the NERVE to look surprised.

Have you ever been to at the grocery store when some breeder waddles in with 4 kids of various sizes swaddled all over her? Have you seen said kids gallop around the store blowing snot and squealing in delight over the candy, which you can see by their overweight condition at the age of 3 they don’t need? The kids running around screaming until your ears bleed? By being PC and not saying anything, you are allowing the mother of said weasels to think that their behavior is ok. What you SHOULD be doing is tripping her kids and laughing at them when they cry.

I think I’ve lost my point somewhere about being Politically Correct. Let me sum up – when people piss you off, don’t walk away and think “What an asshole” – just say it out loud first before you walk away. You’ll feel better and you won’t stay awake at night wishing you’d spoke up.

Why it should be legal to physically abuse your co-workers

2006-04-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

There is a list of things you just don’t do, under any circumstance. EVER.

Case in point – spilling coffee on a woman’s shoes.

This entire week has been hellish for me. I’ve been attempting to learn Photoshop for work, and its got to be one of the most insanely user unfriendly programs ever written. I’ve spent hours on the phone with friends (thank you Lisa) and tech support trying to get a crash course in it. I go home every night suffering from brain drain and to top it all off I’ve had insomnia like a mother fucker.

The icing on my cake of the week happened this morning. As I’m sitting outside enjoying my morning ines (caffine and nicotine), one of my co-workers decides I need a coffee bath. This happens at 6:30 a.m. I end up with coffee all over my BRAND NEW PANTS, from the knees down, but more importantly, I have coffee soaking in my shoes.

I wear Vans. Old school Vans. You remember, the old black and white checkerboard slip on shoes that mostly stoners and skateboarders wore in the 1980’s. Nothing made me happier when I saw them in my size at the shoe store a couple of years ago. I almost cried with happiness in the middle of the store.

Right now, my shoes are soaking wet as I had to wash them out in the sink at work and they are currently residing under my desk next to my space heater while drying out.

I’m currently sitting at my desk devising the best way to kill my guilty co-worker. Hanging’s too good for him, shooting is too good for him. I’d like to cut his still beating heart out of his chest with a rusty spoon but I’m afraid I’ll get blood spatter on my shoes.

I love my shoes beyond all reason. I love my shoes more than most people love their children. Probably more, since my shoes never talk back, never write on the wall in crayons, and I’ve never had to chase my screaming shoes around in a public place because they won’t behave. Come to think of it, do parents really love their children at all?

Any and all suggestions on how to hurt the shoe killer are welcome.

That is all.

Two Cow Explanation

2006-04-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

The "Two Cow Explanation" Of What Makes...

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows, and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Mindless Comic Book Ranting

2006-04-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

There are many things in this day and age to spend your entertainment dollar on. The price of the average movie in the theater is $8; the price of a video rental is $3. A new video games can set you back anywhere from $25 to $79. A new hardcover book can cost you in excess of $30. And with new technology comes the DVD, the ultimate movie watching experience, which will cost you anywhere from $10 up to $49.95 (Thank you Kevin Smith for the Collector’s Edition of Clerks. I just couldn’t live without seeing the alternate ending). In this mass market of products vying for your money, comic books are fighting a battle as it is. Who wants to read when you can watch or interact?

As if all these reasons not to spend your money on comic books are not bad enough, we have another problem. The name of this problem is the VARIANT COVER. What is this demon, a VARIANT COVER? It is exactly the same comic book that you already bought at the newsstand, but it has a different cover with an outlandish price. Considering the mass amount of products out on the market fighting for your attention, can someone please explain to me the idea of making a variant cover book?

Let’s take for example my favorite company, Top Cow. What were these people smoking when they thought it was a good idea to have 11 (yes count them – 11) different covers for issue number – you guessed it – Darkness 11! What a clever marketing idea! The cost of each book is $2.95, plus applicable state and federal tax. If you were to buy all 11 covers of this same book, the price would be over $32, not including tax. That’s a hell of a profit off of one book. Hmmmm. Let’s review our above list, shall we? For that price, we could go see 4 movies in the theater, rent 10 movies at Blockbuster, buy 2 DVD’s, possibly buy one video game, or one hardcover book. All different items, none of which would be the same (unless you wanted to see the same movie again). Not like buying 11 issues of exactly the same comic with different covers. Here is an original idea – what about buying 10 different issues of different books?

Another offender is Awesome. Does anyone here remember Scarlet Crush? The book that only had 3 issues total, but had 8 different variant covers for issue number one. Let’s not forget about Gen 13. Fifteen different covers of the same book? I feel sorry for the person who spent over $45 on all 15 books. That is working on the assumption that someone only spent the standard $2.95 on each book. Let’s talk about Jim Lee at Wildstorm. Yes, I know it’s no longer Jim Lee’s Wildstorm, but it was while he was creating 2 different covers for issues of the Divine Right book. Now while I agree that 2 different covers is not as offensive as having 11 or 15, you still end up having 2 issues of the same book. And to add insult to injury, since they are shipped one to one, they have no collectability value whatsoever. Not like the gold plated ultra variant bikini girl issue (all you offenders know what I’m ranting about) which only costs about $75 and will be worth nothing next year. Or next month. Remember the new WildCATS series? Eight variant covers (over $23 at $2.95 a piece). Remember Battle Chasers? Does anyone remember Battle Chasers? Please raise your hand if you remember this book. The number one variant cover issues cannot be accurately counted as they are still popping up, but the story itself has not progressed beyond issue 7.

However, a special Evil Variant Cover award goes out to Danger Girl. This book is truly incredible. There are 6 issues to this story, and there are a whopping 25 different covers for those 6 issues. No wonder it’s not around anymore. My only question is why are there only 2 covers for issue number 4? I know one poor bastard who spent $50 on the Danger Girl chromium edition No. 1. Bet he wishes he would have gone to the movies instead!

Marvel and DC are not above resorting to the VARIANT COVER ploy when it comes to their books. While not as flagrant in abuse as Top Cow or Awesome, they have been guilty in the past of releasing variant cover books. Does anyone remember the Death of Superman? The Black Bagged issue? Or how about Marvel’s new policy of releasing 2 covers for every second issue of a new line?

Now let’s talk for a moment about companies like Another Universe and Dynamic Forces. It’s not bad enough that we have to wade through the waters of publishers creating variant cover books. They agree to allow companies like AU and DF to create their own version of these number one books, and sell them for prices the likes of which you could buy 5 regular comics for. But they do come with that really cool “Certificate of Authenticity”, which will come in handy if you ever run out of toilet paper at a crucial moment.

Below you will find listed the worst 10 offenders I could find. See if you can spot a pattern forming here:

1. Gen 13 No. 1 15 variants
2. Lady Pendragon Volume II No. 1 13 variants
3. Tomb Raider No. 1 12 variants
4. Darkness No. 11 11 variants
5. Aria No. 1 10 variants
6. Aira/Angela No. 1 9 variants
7. Darkchylde Vol. II No. 1 9 variants
8. Stone No. 1 8 variants
9. Vapirella Strikes No. 1 8 variants
10. Alley Cat No. 1 7 variants

This list goes on and on.

In short, there is only one defense that the consumer has against such actions. STOP BUYING THESE EVIL VARIANT COVER BOOKS!! If the people stop buying into all the bullshit about variant covers, maybe we’ll see less of the 15 different covers for new books that end up running less than 10 issues. Someone needs to explain to these people that is quality, not quantity, that sells a book.

Ravenhex be thy name

2006-04-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering…

I’m sure its obvious that Ravenhex is not my real name. I’ve chosen to publish under this name because I’ve come to regard this name as my alter ego. Let me explain.

Perhaps you’ve heard of Everquest? If not, allow me to elaborate. Everquest is an on-line MMORPG. For those of you not in the know, that means Massive Multiplayer On-line Role Player Game. A game of this nature allows you to play on line (for a monthly fee) with thousands of other people from around the world who are looking to escape reality by playing in a virtual world. I know this, because I did it for years.

By the way, Sony Entertainment is the spawn of the devil. I’d just like to clarify that.

But I digress.

I fell in love with Everquest like some people fall in love with the crack pipe. I was completely addicted and spent hours and hours of my life locked up in one of the spare bedrooms of our house, crouched over a computer screen, smoking one cigarette after another while accumulating phat lewts (another thing you have to get used to about MMORPG, it’s a whole new language) and alternately screaming wildly, laughing so hard I managed to destroy many keyboard while shooting my drink of choice out my nose, or bemoaning the fact that yet another hard earned piece of gear went to another player who didn’t deserve it (all your bases are belonging to me!).

The second character I created while playing this horrible game was named Ravenhex. And like all good players, I stole the name from someone else. Only in this case, I actually had the author’s permission to use it.

The name comes from a comic book called Tarot, Witch of the Black Rose. Tarot, the main character, has a somewhat twisted younger sister named Raven Hex. Since I always like the bad/strange/twisted characters the best, I snatched the name for myself. (Shameless plug here – for more information on this book, please visit www.jimbalent.com)

After playing on line for so many years, I felt she became a part of me. Had a bad day at work? Can’t scream at your boss? Can’t punch your current spouse in the face for not taking out the trash? Can’t kick the dog? Make an on line character and start verbally abusing people you don’t know! You’d be amazed at how relaxing it is!

After so many years of using this name, I answer to it as well. Plus, I have a fascination with the aforementioned book.

And that was how Ravenhex was born.

Jim Balent, my personal hero

2006-04-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

Jim Balent, The Nicest Man at Comic Con

About six years ago, my husband and I attended our first comic book convention. It just happened to be San Diego Comic Con. If anyone here is not familiar with comic book conventions, I would not suggest this one as a break in experience. Its sensory overload. Its grandiose. Its an all consuming leviathan that will devour your soul. In this ocean of overload, we managed to find an island of tranquility. And this island was the booth of Jim Balent and Holly Golightly. As we cruised up and down the aisles of the convention like fearful children lost in a dark scary forest, a friendly face smiled at us out of the darkness and said, hello! And in that moment I became a fan for life of Jim’s.

We approached the booth cautiously. Was he friend? Was he foe? Was he trying to lure us in to buy stuff? Or was he just sincerely a nice guy? It was then I noticed that he had books on the table. As I peeked over my husband’s shoulder to get a better view, I noticed 2 things that I was familiar with – Catwoman (Jim drew Catwoman for DC Comics for the first 77 issues) and Purgatori (Jim drew the first 3 issue mini-series for this book for Chaos! Comics).

We ended up walking away about 3 hours later with our books signed, sketches in our pockets, and the nice feeling that comic con was a less scary place to be, now that we had made a friend.

Sequential Tart: What was the first comic you read that you fell in love with and why?

Jim Balent: The first male comic that I fell in love with was Spiderman. Why? Its really hard to say why a 5 year old likes anything. I was fascinated with the design of the character, the spiders, the action in the books…I liked that he was somewhat of a quiet guy that had this great secret power. But as a kid, I’m sure it was mostly because of the “action” that I enjoyed reading Spidy. The first female comic that I fell in love with was Frank Thorne’s RED SONJA. To this day he has a strong influence on me. He drew Sonja strong, sexy and self assured, whether she was clad in her metal bikini or naked, she was still in charge. I try and bring that kind of confidence to my female characters in my book “Tarot, Witch of the Black Rose”.

Sequential Tart: How old were you when you started reading comics and what was the defining moment that made you decide that this was the field you wanted to work in?

Jim Balent: I first started reading comics around the age of 4 or 5. As for a defining moment…I don’t think there was one. It has always been an ongoing love affair with me. After reading my comics, at the age of 4 or 5, I would start drawing my own…to continue on with the adventure which I had just read. Then I would create my own characters and develop a book around them. It wasn’t until much later that I decided to follow my passion and make it my career.

SEQUENTIAL TART: What did you do to break into comics?

JIM BALENT: I just drew a lot.

ST: What does the comics medium offer you that other media does not offer?

JIM BALENT: I’ve always enjoyed the comic book format, telling a story from panel to panel is a lot of fun for me. Its east to get caught up in the story. I like the whole freeze frame ability of the medium, you can stop the action at the most dramatic time and even though its still a “Still Frame”, you swear that the characters are acutely moving from one page to another. That’s magic!

SEQUENTIAL TART: For those who are not familiar with your current work, what is Tarot, Witch of the Black Rose about?

JIM BALENT: Tarot-Witch of the Black Rose, is a modern day sword and sorcery tale starring two strong sensual witch sisters who have different views on Witchcraft. The stories are filled with action and adventure. Lots of monsters to fight and people to save. All the stories have the basic Wiccan beliefs and morals in them, so not only are you reading a fun adventure story but you are also learning a bit about witches as well. In the back of each issue I have an ongoing interview with Laurie Cabot (author of many books and the official Witch of Salem), so that the readers can read first hand what if fact or fiction about witches.

SEQUENTIAL TART: What is the major theme you are trying to explore in Tarot?

JIM BALENT: I envision the books to first “entertain” and then second, to “educate”. The theme of “acceptance” and “understanding” comes up a lot in the stories. Accepting people for who they are is very important, whether they are a witch, non-witch, lesbian or heterosexual, learning respect for one another is a major theme that runs through the books. Believe it or not, most people view witches as evil people that eat babies. Those types of labels I’m trying to change. Tarot is a positive role model.

SEQUENTIAL TART: What is the inspiration behind Tarot?

JIM BALENT: I had the idea for Tarot for many years. A lot of my inspiration came from the books I’ve read and the witches I have met.

SEQUENTIAL TART: I have noticed you have a lot of female fans that follow Tarot. What do you do to encourage the female readership?

JIM BALENT: I am very happy that I have a lot of female fans that follow Tarot. But I didn’t shoot for that. I just created a character that was busting to get out. I was honest with my drawings and stories and I think the readers appreciate that. I’ve always been fascinated with strong powerful female characters and it seems a lot of other people find them just as interesting. I believe we all have that warrior spirit inside us and Tarot is a part of that. I never sat down and said, “Hmm, how can I attract more female readers?” because if I did, it would be phony, a gimmick and the readers would see that falsehood. Anyone or any company that says “How can we attract more females to our product” is trying to trap you! Female readers and male readers, don’t like being tricked into buying something. I know I don’t. It leaves you with an empty feeling.

SEQUENTIAL TART: When attending the conventions, is there a noticeable difference between the male/female ratio of fans that come to see you?

JIM BALENT: I don’t know. I’m happy no matter who shows up. I’ve seen a lot of males and females in line. I guess its 50/50.

SEQUENTIAL TART: On the inside cover to one of the Tarot books, you have a picture of yourself talking about the boobie fairy (for those of you who haven't seen this you need to check it out - it's VERY funny). Ok Jim, I just have to ask - why the big boobies and do you get a lot of flak from people over the way your female characters are portrayed?

JIM BALENT: Wow! I sure do! I am still amazed to see that it is acceptable to show someone getting their teeth knocked out, shot in the head, or gored in a comic but it is unacceptable to show a large breasted woman…or nude woman taking a bath. Talk about warped messages! The danger of saying her breasts are too big is that…there are some people out there that have those proportions. So if someone says, “They are too big!”, then you have to say, ok, what size should they be? And once you give your limit, A, B, C or D, then you deem everyone who doesn’t fit your measurement “unacceptable”. And you make them a social outcast. You make them feel like something is wrong with them, you tear down their self confidence. And that’s just horrible! And I’ve seen it happen. Once out of the blue some guy cut in line and yelled at me for drawing my female “COMIC CHARACTERS” too big breasted. I calmly asked him what size they should be. He thought and then stammered “Normal size!” Then I asked what is the normal size of a breast. He looked at me in a rage, went silent for a moment then blurted out, well if she was really that large she wouldn’t be able to do all those martial art moves! Really, I said, I have taken karate for three years and I have met women that COULD do these moves! He then just turned and walked away mad. I felt really bad about the way he left until the next fan in line, who was a well rounded woman said to me, I like the way you draw your women. That guy has a problem! Then the other girl next to her, who was small and petite said, I have small breasts but your drawings still make me feel like a super heroine, I like your work!” So why do I draw large breasts? I draw breasts of all sizes, it just seems that some people are threatened by really large ones. I could go on forever, tell you more stories about people being insensitive to people only because they have large breasts, but it just comes down to “Let’s just accept everyone no matter what the proportion”. No one should tell another what size they SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be.

SEQUENTIAL TART: What is the book or character out there that if someone came up to you and said "Jim, we want you to draw this book" you would drop everything to do and why?

JIM BALENT: Tough question. There have been projects that I have been TEMPTED with. What they are and what they were I think I’ll keep to myself for now. Don’t want to give that urge any more power (ha ha ha)

ST: Since starting your own company, is there any experience you have had in the industry that you vowed would never happen at Broadsword Comics?

JIM BALENT: Yes, I didn’t want to water down my books. I didn’t want to shy away from sensuality or certain subject matters. And I think the readers like that about the comic, “Straight forward Jim Balent”. A major comic book company made me a great offer to publish Tarot through them, but I decided to form BROADSWORD instead, this way the vision of the book would not get blurred.

SEQUENTIAL TART: Drooling Fan Girl Question: When can we expect to see any statues/action figures come out for Tarot?

JIM BALENT: We have been approached to do a statue and action figures. Some details need to be worked out, but the first would be a Tarot statue. A lot of people have been asking me for this so hold on, its coming!

SEQUENTIAL TART: Do you have any words of wisdom to offer for all those up and coming people who want to break into the comics industry?

JIM BALENT: No. Just follow your heart, and draw what makes you happy, because you will be doing it for a long time. And if you don’t do it now…when? You won’t live forever. But through your art, you can.

SEQUENTIAL TART: How does it make you feel to see your artwork being sold on E-bay and other on-line auction places? Have you ever done free sketches at conventions that you have seen later end up for sale on e-bay?

JIM BALENT: I hate it! At cons I always draw for free. People wait up to 4 hours in line for one of my sketches, some are in wheelchairs and some are children. It urks me to know that the line could have been shorter if the people who just wanted to make a buck (try $200 bucks for one of my sketches) would just get out of line and let the true fans get a sketch. I know that can do whatever they want with the drawing after, they did stand in line for 4 hours (I stand for 10), but just tell me its for E-bay. I’ll still draw it! But I won’t feel like I was stabbed in the back when I see it up for sale! Its like giving a Christmas gift to someone and they turn around and sell it in front of you! Its only around 5% out of a hundred that makes it to E-Bay. But even if it’s just one, it bothers me. Anyway, I really appreciate the fans that keep the sketches, it’s sort of a bonding thing I go through and I have made some really good friends along the way.

SEQUENTIAL TART: Describe the strangest encounter you've ever had with a fan.

JIM BALENT: I’ve had a lot, but I wouldn’t call it strange, just surprising! I’ve had a couple move up their wedding date so that they could come see me on their honeymoon. I’ve been asked by many fans to come to their weddings or give the bride away (some I could make, most I couldn’t…sorry!) Some fans offered me drugs and invited me to party with them, I don’t do drugs, so I just said no, but it was nice to be asked. I had one woman fly in from England to San Diego, run up and jump onto me and kiss me so hard she knocked me over! (I’m 6’ 3” and she was 5’ 1”, so she took me by surprise!). She did all this just because she liked the way I drew her favorite female comic character! I guess its safe to say I’ll remember her. Then there was this fan who happened to sit next to me on a five hour flight back to the East Coast and talked to me the whole time about what if the Silver Age Batman married the Golden Age Catwoman, what would their children be like?!?! What schools they would go to, what would they eat!! YIKES! So yes, I’ve had my share in interesting encounters…But I loved them all!

SEQUENTIAL TART: What is the strangest sketch you've ever been asked to draw at Con?

JIM BALENT: This guy just wanted a sketch of a dog. So I drew him a skeleton of a dog. Another year, someone wanted a sketch of a monkey, so I drew him a sexy monkey in a bikini, sort of a cross between the Planet of the Apes and Baywatch. Then someone wanted Superman eating a hotdog, so I drew Superman cooking the hot dog with his heat vision.

SEQUENTIAL TART: Xena, Warrior Princess, or Tarot - Witch of the Black Rose - who would win in a battle to the finish?

JIM BALENT: Are they battling in Jell-O or in whipped cream?

Its all about me.

2006-04-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

I feel its probably a good thing to write an introduction about myself, for those of you who don’t already know me. I don’t expect to get a lot of traffic on this site, but on the off chance a stranger managed to find their way here, its only fair to let them know what I’m all about.

I’m all about hate.

And discontent.

It is better to be feared than respected.

This site was created in mind to inform readers about the hate. If you are a happy person, this is not the place for you.

This is not a PG kid friendly site. You have been warned.

I’ll be discussing a wide variety of things that piss me off. Venting is good for the soul. If I had one, it would be happy to hear that.

I’m an angry white married woman who’s spent the last 18 years working in male dominated industry. I’ve been married for 16 years. I’ve spent the last 9 years living in Las Vegas. Trust me, I’ve got a lot to be angry about.

On the off chance that anyone reading this is a comic book fan, I’ll also be including articles I’ve written in the past for Sequential Tart. This will be the more friendly part of the blog, although I’ve been known to write a rant or 2 regarding the industry.
That is all. Let the games begin.