My Fellow Americans

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days.

It is now to begin the reckoning.Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites wher e those vehicles will be stripped, shredded, and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to elim inate homelessness in America . It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

Purina Diet

I used to have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?)... (here's your sign)...

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before
I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why I ended up in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot.

Solving problems one disaster at a time!

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately.

Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems.


The result is a win-win-win situation:

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any Questions?

Am I Gay?

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION.
HERE ARE (8) NEED TO KNOW FACTS (QUESTIONS)

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, Snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits! Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.

New Immigrants

Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they either deem politically incorrect (read Below) or which does not agree with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a great letter to the editor that should have been published but with your help it will get published via cyberspace!

New Immigrants
My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to "print" it myself by sending it out on the Internet. Pass it along if you feel so inclined.
Dave LaBonte (signed)


Written in response to a series of letters to the Editor in the Orange County Register:

Dear Editor:

So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a Pledge to uphold the laws and support their new Country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home. They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture.

Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany, Italy, France and Japan. None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan. They were defending the United States of America as one people. When we liberated France, no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans.

And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot
into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are in 2006 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about.

I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign Country flags. And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty, it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United
States just yet.

(signed) Rosemary LaBonte

Thought For The Day

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American
sentiment and negativity, we should remember England's Prime
Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by
one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he
said:

"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many
want in... And how many want out." Only two defining forces have
ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

The Moral To The Story

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist introduces himself. The terrorist kills him.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist asks, "why did you kill my friend?" The terrorist kills him and rapes his wife.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist says, "Stop that!" The terrorist kills him, rapes his daughter and kills his wife.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist says, "I'll pay you $1000 if you stop attacking us."The terrorist agrees to the deal, takes the $1000, and kills him.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist appeals to the United Nations. The United Nations says the pacifist is at fault. The terrorist kills him.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist tries to convince his pacifist friends that the terrorists aren't going to respond to negotiations, but they insist that if he kills the terrorist it'll just make the other terrorists mad. The pacifist reluctantly agrees to try negotiating again.

The terrorist kills him, his entire family, and his neighbor's family. A heated debate now ensues between the pacifists who want to be nice to the terrorists and the pacifists who believe that there can never be peace until the terrorists are all dead. While they are debating, the terrorists kill 15 more pacifists.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist asks himself, "Which is more important: being liked by everyone, or protecting my family?" The terrorist pulls a knife to kill the pacifist, but the pacifist pulls a gun and kills the terrorist first. ......The United Nations condemns the pacifist's use of un-proportional force. Many of his pacifist friends turn against him.

A pacifist and a terrorist meet at the neutral line. The pacifist apologizes for what his friend did to the other terrorist. The terrorist kills him, his entire family and his neighbors, and threatens to destroy the city as soon as they develop a bigger weapon.

A pacifist refuses to meet at the line because every time a pacifist goes to the line the terrorist kills him. A terrorist walks up to the line and fires rockets into the pacifist's town. The United Nations condemns the way the pacifist provoked the terrorist by refusing to come to the line and meet with him.

Generations pass and not much changes until one day when the son of a pacifist decides that the old strategy simply won't work. He walks up to the left side of the line a little early. As the terrorist approaches the right side of the line the son of a pacifist shoots him. Another terrorist approaches to replace the first, and the son of a pacifist shoots him too.

This scene plays out several more times. Then a terrorist approaches carrying a white flag, but he also has weapons. The son of a pacifist shoots him. A terrorist next approaches with a ceasefire resolution from the U.N. The son of a pacifist shoots him also. A large group of terrorists approach and the son of a pacifist shoots them all and drops a nuclear bomb on the city they came from.

The son of a pacifist continues killing the terrorists until the terrorists are all dead. ....There is finally peace on earth and the United Nations takes the credit.

Things you didn't know you didn't know

LYNN
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Maid in a very nasty motel
2. Tour Guide for a railroad museum
3. Cocktail Waitress
4. Gold Miner

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Bound
2. Pulp Fiction
3. Armageddon
4. Anything by Kevin Smith

C) Four places I have lived
1. San Diego, CA
2. Kenner, LA
3. Ely, Nevada
4. Henderson, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. The Shield
2. Battlestar Galactic
3. Nip/Tuck
4. Boston Legal

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
2. Cancun Mexico
3. Austin TX
4. Washington DC

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. Myspace
2. CNN
3. PostSecret (every Sunday)
4. Eblogger

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Prime Rib
2. Tacos
3. Omelets
4. Spaghetti

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Luxor, Egypt
2. Hawaii
3. St. Petersburg, Russia
4. Jamaica

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Bill
2. Mark
3. Buddy
4. Lisa

BUDDY
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Dishwasher at Korean restaraunt
2. Security Guard at 7up plant
3. Desk Clerk at a Hotel
4. Correctional Officer

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Sleepers
2. Outbreak
3. Batman begins
4. Galaxy quest

C) Four places I have lived
1. Tomah wisconsin
2. LaPuente Ca.
3. Ely, Nevada
4. Henderson, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Battlestar Galactica
2. Eureka
3. Avatar
4. Scrubs

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
2. Cancun Mexico
3. Austin TX
4. Washington DC

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. PvPOnline.com
2. IGN.com
3. VWvortex.com
4. tomshardware.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Pizza
2. Pineapple
3. Pancakes
4. Breakfast Burrito

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. St. Petersburgh Russia
2. Hawaii
3. Fiji
4. Australia

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Mark(sauris)
2. Mikah
3. Thom
4. Lisa

DAVID
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Entemologist Assistant (counted bugs in cotton fields)
2. Bartender
3. Actor in a Musical Company
4. Computer Game Designer

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Ladyhawk
2. Lord of the Rings (all of them)
3. Serenity
4. A Fish Called Wanda

C) Four places I have lived
1. Baltimore, MD
2. Boston, MA
3. Los Angeles, CA
4. Charlotte, NC

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Veronica Mars
2. House
3. Scrubs
4. The X Files

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Jamaica
2. London
3. Colorado
4. Azeroth

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. OriolesHangout.com
2. SavvyDog.com
3. Colts.com
4. WorldofWarcraft.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Pepperoni Pizza
2. Tamales
3. Cheeseburgers
4. Macaroni & Cheese

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Azeroth
2. Roscoe, Texas on the Farm
3. London
4. Salt Lake City, Utah (on any ski slope)

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Lisa
2. Michelle
3. Buddy
4. Danny

LISA
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Banquet Waitress
2. Laboratory Technician
3. Marketing Communications Director
4. Graphic Design Genius

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
2. The Dead Zone
3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
4. Princess Mononoke

C) Four places I have lived
1. Philadelphia, PA
2. Boston, MA
3. San Francisco, CA
4. Las Vegas, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. House
2. Veronica Mars
3. X-Files
4. CSI, Las Vegas

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. India
2. Peru
3. England
4. France

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. www.savvydog.com
2. www.mmorpg.com
3. www.weather.com
4. http://www.cnn.com/

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Anything mexican
2. Anything italian
3. Corn Pops
4. Tastykakes

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Amusement Park
2. Mountain Bike Trail
3. Skiing
4. My Couch

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Michelle
2. Thom
3. Jen
4. Buddy

HOLLY
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Live in nanny
2. Adoption coordinator for a animal shelter
3. Lead technician - sprint
4. Selling sex toys :P

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. House of 10000 corpses
2. Donnie Darko
3. Practical Magic
4. LOTR

C) Four places I have lived
1. Blue Springs MO
2. Kansas City MO
3. Independence MO
4. Does EQ and WOW count for this?

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. 4400
2. LOST
3. Venture Brothers
4. Flavor of Love - I can’t help it

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Las Vegas
2. Mexico
3. Utah
4. Colorado

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. http://www.myspace.com/wickedfunparty
2. http://wow.orderofeternity.com/
3. http://www.athenashn.com/Goddess/GoddessWebPage.asp?code=1208 also known as WWW.HollysToyBox.com
4. Commerce bank - to check my money situation :P

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. SUSHI
2. Rice
3. Udon
4. Crossonts

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Irland
2. In bed watching a movie
3. collecting my winning lotto ticket then paying my bills
4. With everyone having fun and talking :)

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Whoever is bored

JEN
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Deli counter assistant at a supermarket
2. Photo editor for a newspaper
3. Theatre techie all over the place
4. Tutor at a college

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Groundhog Day
2. Notting Hill
3. American Beauty
4. Clue!

C) Four places I have lived
1. Sittingbourne, Kent, UK
2. Cardiff, South Wales, UK
3. Las Vegas, NV
4. That's it :p

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. MI5 (aka Spooks)
2. Doctor Who
3. The West Wing
4. Brilliant! (aka The Fast Show)

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Zell am See, Austria
2. Angers, France
3. Grantown on Spey, Scotland
4. Kecskemet, Hungary

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. eBay
2. BBC News
3. Yahoo Mail
4. MTBReview.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Tikka masala
2. Roast beef w/ roast potatoes & Yorkshire pudding
3. Pretty much any seafood
4. Chocolate

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Mt. Charleston
2. Spain
3. England
4. New Zealand

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Harry
2. Lisa
3. Michelle
4. Carolyn

HARRY
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Burger King, where whoppers that are dropped and put on the grill anyway are officially known as 'Droppers.'
2. Exotic Pet Store
3. Library Assistant
4. Comic Shop Manager

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Princess Bride
2. Super Troopers
3. Dazed and Confused
4. Notting Hill

C) Four places I have lived
1. Union Mississippi
2. Saudi Arabia (or so I'm told.)
3. Las Vegas
4. In a little place inside my head

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Dr. Who (new)
2. Standoff
3. Miami Ink
4. Life on Mars

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. San Diego
2. Florida (or more accurately, Disneyworld)
3. New Jersey (via road trip)
4. Jolly Auld England

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. http://www.penny-arcade.com
2. http://lasvegas.craigslist.org
3. http://www.concours.org
4. http://www.pvponline.com/

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. MEAT
2. CHEESE
3. BREAD
4. SAUCE

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. England
2. Tokyo, but only if I don't have to eat endless noodles
3. In bed ('cause I woke up waaaaaay too early.)
4. In space. But with a suit on, 'cause... you know... not breathing sucks.

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Jenny
2. Thom
3. Michelle
4. Mary

BETH
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Toys R Us
2. The Chippery
3. Resident Assistant/Dorm
4. Telemarketer

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Sense & Sensibility
2. Sex, Lies & Videotape
3. Galaxy Quest
4. V for Vendetta

C) Four places I have lived
1. Dallas
2. Austin
3. Nacogdoches
4. Pflugerville (I mean, who wouldn't want to live in a place called Pflugerville?)

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. BSG
2. Deadwood
3. Ghost Hunters
4. Heroes (I'm determined to like it!)

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Montral
2. Florida
3. New Mexico
4. Manhattan

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. http://www.dotopotamus.blogspot.com
2. http://www.b12partners.net/mt
3. http://www.bigbluemess.com
4. http://www.voodooreborn.com/ (big drama going down there if you're a guild member - remember, don't secretly diddle your middle on a webcam with the hot goth chick - your spouse will never understand)

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. MEAT
2. CHEESE
3. BREAD
4. SAUCE (I like the way Harry thinks - although CHEESE is #1)

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Manhattan
2. Outside at Dad's
3. Ireland
4. Kyoto

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Jenny
2. Thom
3. Michelle
4. Kendra

KENDRA
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Orange Julius
2. Voertman's Bookstore
3. Texas Department of Health
4. Office of Student Financial Aide

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. LotR
2. Pretty in Pink
3. Totoro
4. American Beauty

C) Four places I have lived
1. Denton
2. Austin
3. Chickashaw, OK
4. Ferris, TX

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. BattleStar Galactica
2. Firefly
3. Lost
4. Iron Chef (Japanese version)

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. the Netherlands
2. Vermont
3. Seattle
4. San Francisco

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. wikipedia.com
2. flickr.com (recently addicted)
3. news.bbc.co.uk
4. bigbluemess.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. cheeses, all kinds
2. steak
3. Conan's Pizza
4. anything from A Single Pebble

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. on a cliff near Cornwall
2. at A Single Pebble dining on a feast
3. New Zealand
4. New Orleans (but pre-hurricane as I knew it)

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
Toree! I'm callin' you out!

MACK
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Hippy health-food store clerk (the store was hippy... not me, so much)
2. Legal assistant
3. Navy midshipman / peon
4. Marine pilot

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Elizabeth
2. Gone With The Wind
3. Bridget Jones' Diary
4. LOTR (all)

C) Four places I have lived
1. Little Rock, AR
2. Annapolis, MD
3. Pensacola, FL
4. Oceanside, CA

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Firefly
2. Scrubs
3. My Name Is Earl
4. The Office

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Las Vegas (my favorite place to go)
2. Bahamas
3. Disneyworld
4. Buena Vista, CO

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. Google
2. Yahoo
3. http://www.witchvox.com/
4. www.msnbc.msn.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Creme Brulee
2. Mojitos (drinks count, right?)
3. French Toast
4. Spaghetti

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Home
2. Dublin, Ireland
3. Anywhere in Japan
4. Little Rock (without my parents knowing I'm in town)

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Jay (next time he checks his email)
2. Michelle
3. Thom
4. Hasn't everyone else already responded?

BILL
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Carpenter
2. Massage therapist
3. Buss boy / pantry man
4. Soils teck

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Patton
2. Monty Pythons Holy Grail
3. Saving private Ryan
4. True grit

C) Four places I have lived
1. Palm Desert, CA
2. Millillani, HI
3. Hawaii Kai, HI
4. Henderson, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Law and order
2. Lost
3. History channel
4. Fox news

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Victoria, BC
2. Corbet, OR
3. Hawaii
4. Washington DC

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. arutzsheva.com
2. debka.com
3. worldnetdaily.com
4. drudgereport.com

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Rib-eye
2. Tacos
3. Cameronies de abrolito timo (Bacon wrapped shrimp)
4. Chinese

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Scottish highlands
2. Hawaii (Big island)
3. New zeland
4. Italy

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Mary
2. Mark
3. Buddy
4. Lisa

MARTHA
Four Things About Me...Things you may not have known about me.....
A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. YMCA swim coach - I was really there for the Hot Guys!
2. Medical Assistant for OB/GYN Doctor.....never again...I've seen things no other women should be forced to see
3. Drove a forklift for a Clothing Distribution Center...yes I was a certified forklift driver!
4. Mother

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Titanic
2. Shriek 2
3. Shark Tale
4. Pirates of the Caribbean 1 & 2

C) Four places I have lived
1. Rock Hill, SC
2. Fontana, CA
3. Oklahoma City, OK
4. Las Vegas, NV

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. CSI Miami
2. Will & Grace
3. Law & Order
4. 48 Hours

E) Four places I have been on vacation
1. Atlanta, GA
2. Mexico City, MX
3. Myrtle Beach, SC
4. Miami, Fl

F) Websites I visit daily:
1. CNN
2. Cox.net
3. MySpace - every other day
4. Sin City - motorcycle club

G) Four of my favorite foods
1. Chocolate - Twix
2. Pizza
3. Pops - cereal
4. Spaghetti

H) Four places I would like to be right now:
1. Horse back riding in North Carolina ..... My retirement place
2. waving bye to my son as leaves for a far, far, far away college :)
3. On a beach in Hawaii
4. Riding my motorcycle along the beaches in Florida

People's Choice Awards.
I) Four friends I think will respond:
1. Kim
2. Lynn
3. Gloria
4. Verna

Immigration

Somebody e-mailed this to me, and I thought it was good enough to be shared here.
Read it and weep.
LKR

* * * * *

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the U.S. might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hardworking and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hardworking and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hardworking and honest, um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America ....if you agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it as a good simile. If not blow it off along with your future Social Security funds.

Going "OUT" in Style

Anyone here watch Six Feet Under? No? Well you should. The educational value of this HBO program is invaluable.

Nobody likes to think about death. Nobody realizes that perfect health is only the slowest rate at which you will die. People prepare for all sorts of occasions – weddings, graduations, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, but nobody seems to prepare themselves for the inevitable journey we’ll all make.

These days you have many options from which to choose from. Your body can be thrown in a hole, completely untouched by any sort of funereal preparation, which is called a Green Burial. You can be mummified, shot into space, cremated, buried in a cemetery, have your remains placed in a mausoleum, or my personal favorite, turned into a diamond! I heard a story about one woman who had her husband’s cremated remains placed inside her breast implants so she could carry him around forever.

You can donate your body to science, donate your organs to dying people, or donate your body to a body farm (if you don’t know what this is you don’t watch enough CSI).

When I die, I want to keep things simple. Throw me in a cardboard box, wearing my favorite clothes (Levi’s and a Tshirt, with my Vans) and cremate me. I want no service, no viewing (what a barbaric tradition THAT is), no hole in the ground so the bugs can eat me. Take my ashes to a beach (preferably in Cabo San Lucas) and dump me there so I can stay with the ocean forever.

The Irish have the right idea when it comes to disposing of their dead. They celebrate the life of their loved ones by having a Wake. The idea of a Wake is a very simple one. A gathering is held at the house of the deceased (the old style way was to have the closed coffin in the home). All clocks in the house are stopped to show respect for the deceased, and all mirrors are covered. Candles are lit and the visitors start arriving. Once the family is ready the keening begins. This is a form of grieving for the deceased; the mourning family produces either muffled sobs or loud wailing in order to relay the depth of their sorrow. In the event that the death was considered a great loss (a parent leaving a large family or tragic or early death) the keening is most intense and heartfelt. After the keening, the food and alcohol is served. Everyone gets shitfaced and tells stories about the deceased.

An Irish Wake is what I want, and I want my own soundtrack for my party (this is the new millennium, MP3’s and iPods rule the day). This is a list of the songs I’d most like to have played at my send off – all of these songs have some special significance to me.

Megadeth – Almost Honest
Megadeth – Angry Again
Manford Mann – Blinded By The Light
Warren Zevo – Werewolves of London
Glen Fry – Smuggler’s Blues
Phil Collins – In The Air Tonight
Nine Inch Nails – Closer
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb (Pulse Version)
Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here (Pulse Version)
Murry Head – One Night in Bangkok
Tesla – Love Song
Eagles – Hotel California
Eagles – Those Shoes
Poison – Talk Dirty To Me
Pat Benatar – Hell Is For Children
Pat Benatar – Little Paradise
Pat Benatar – basically anything she came out with in the 80’s
Tina Turner – The Bitch is Back
Tina Turner – I Might Have Been Queen
Guns and Roses – Welcome To The Jungle
Guns and Roses – Civil War
Eric Clapton – Cocaine
Eric Clapton – Layla (original version)
Matchbox 20 – The Real World
Matchbox 20 – Last Beautiful Girl
Everclear – Everything to Everyone
Everclear - Wonderful
Y&T – Anything off any of their albums really, specifically Winds of Change
Axe – Rock & Roll Party in the Streets
KickAxe – Vices
Counting Crows – Accidentally In Love
Black Crows – Twice As Hard
ZZ Top – Velcro Fly
Golden Earring – Twilight Zone
Scorpions – Still Loving You
Pink – Just Like a Pill
Bowling For Soup – Last Call Casualty
Bowling For Soup – The Girl All The Bad Guys Want
Lynyrd Skynyrd – That Smell
Cheap Trick – Surrender
Bob Segar – Night Moves
Bob Segar – Fire Down Below
Lita Ford – Kiss Me Deadly
Kiss – Murder in High Heels
Kiss – Silver Spoon

You don’t like my playlist? Fuck you, its not YOUR funeral!

I’m making this up on the fly so I’m sure I could easily add 100 more songs to this – however, I don’t think anyone I know could drink that long.

Its never too early to start planning for your death. If you read the Darwin Awards, (and if you don’t, you should) you’d know that stupidity kills just as many people as cancer, and it might not be your own stupidity that will get you killed.